


The Unfortunate Adventures Of Howard and Bennett

by that_one_urchin



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Smut, Christmas fic, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Eventual Smut, F/F, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loss of Virginity, Past Drug Use, Secret Santa, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2020-08-11 05:50:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20148688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_one_urchin/pseuds/that_one_urchin
Summary: Now, Rue would like to keep it on record that she did not mean to run over Lexi Howard. Not at all.OrIn which, after Jules leaves, Rue goes to Lexi’s house instead of going home.





	1. Hit & Runs Are Not Flirting Techniques

**Author's Note:**

> These two really snuck up on me and I don’t want to wait a full year for another season because it’s so good

Rue knows she’s going to relapse again before she even leaves the train station. 

She knows that feeling of defeat and the overwhelming need for any type of drug all too well, and it fully sets in right as Rue tugs Jules hand and Jules doesn’t budge. So, that’s it. Full circle. Back to the drugs and the lying and the hours spent sitting outside the 7-Eleven with a soda instead of attending NA meetings. Back to her life before Jules. Back to what her life was meant to be when she was born - a waste. 

All these thoughts flood her as she walks home. Distantly, Rue recalls the name of the street she’s on and knows she needs to take a left pretty soon to make it home and that if she wanted to go to the park instead that it would be a right turn. This is the town she grew up in, but it doesn’t feel like it. Home had become Jules without Rue even realizing it, and now it feels as if an invisible crutch has been kicked out from under her. 

She can’t function. She can barely walk, honestly. All she’s aware of is the blurry street under her, the inconsistent twitch of her hands, the fucking nonstop stream of tears (she’s pathetic) and- why is Lexi’s light on?

It’s the first neutral thought to break the barrier. Rue pauses right outside of Lexi’s house, still shaking like a leaf but now focused on the moving silhouette of her former friend in the window. It looks as if Lexi is getting ready for bed. Which is weird, because Rue is pretty sure that the formal is still going on at the moment and Lexi probably has something to do there. 

Rue racks her brain for a memory of Lexi’s date but comes up empty. She still doesn’t move. She knows she probably should, because if anyone were to come along then she would be standing there twitching like a drug addict or something - and honestly, she must look as if she’s in a Lifetime movie - but in a way she also shouldn’t move. If Rue does move, she’s moving back to the drugs in her room that she lied about flushing. She definitely doesn’t have the restraint to simply go home and sleep next to those pills.

Lexi’s house? Drug free. Except for some over the counter stuff that Rue probably couldn’t even get high on. 

And if Lexi knew she was going to try and get high again? Well, Lexi would make a valiant effort to pin her down and keep her there. Lexi had done it before, only once - it hadn’t worked out well since Rue was so tall and Lexi was so little, but it happened. 

Rue forces herself to start walking again, this time up onto the grass of Lexi’s lawn. She really doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t have a clear reason to stay clean now, but she thinks of how Lexi had planted her knees on Rue’s arms years ago and tried so hard to keep her from going down this road again. She thinks of Jules and how Jules hadn’t really held on as tightly as Lexi had. She thinks of her mom and Gia and knocks on the door.

It takes a second, but Lexi opens it. Rue’s shoulders sag in relief, even though she had made a pretty good guess about who would be opening the door. Lexi’s mom never gets up to open it and Cassie is most likely still at the formal.

“Rue?” Lexi asks, clearly confused. 

Be cool, Rue. Don’t sound like the fuck-up you are.

“Hey.” Rue replies, her voice cracking horribly over the one word. 

Great.

Honestly, Rue hates crying. No one likes it, but Rue absolutely loathes it. It makes her voice come out more high-pitched than usual and every other syllable cracks as if she’s dying. She sounds five years younger than she really is, and every casual greeting on her tongue seems too heavy to push past her lips. 

“What’s wrong?” Lexi questions, sounding so genuine that Rue forces herself to fight to form an answer.

“I- I, uh.” The explanation dies in her throat. Fuck, this is embarrassing. This was also a terrible idea. 

Who even does this? She’s a terrible friend. A terrible everything, really. She treats Lexi like shit and she screams at Fez and she scares the crap out of Gia and she won’t get on the train for Jules, and lord knows Rue has put her mom through so fucking much - and god, she can’t breathe. 

Rue is going to die.

Well, she always thinks she’s going to die in the middle of a panic attack and doesn’t actually bite it, but now she’s a hundred percent sure that she’s going to die for real. 

“Okay, come here.” Lexi gestures into the house but doesn’t actually touch her. Rue steps inside, allowing Lexi to lead her into the downstairs bathroom by using solely hand gestures.

Lexi shuts the door behind them while Rue slumps down to the ground. She’s trying to catch air that isn’t there. Lexi looks fine, but every time Rue opens her mouth she’s sure that all oxygen has been stolen from the earth and she just can’t fucking function. It’s a familiar, terrible feeling. One that she would never be able to explain to someone without anxiety, but she tries. 

“I’m d-dying.” 

“No, you’re not. You’re just having a panic attack.” Lexi informs her, sound like every decent nurse Rue has ever spoken to. “Look at me. It’s okay. Focus on your breathing.”

Rue does as she’s told and Lexi starts counting at a calm, even pace. For a moment, Rue thinks this isn’t going to work at all (but she always thinks that, every time Lexi has to do this for her) but she sees the air pass through Lexi’s mouth and tries to sync up her breathing with her’s. 

It works. Eventually, Rue’s ears pick up on the sound of both of them inhaling and exhaling. Her throat doesn’t feel as clogged, though the weight on her chest is still heavy. She doesn’t feel good in any sense of the word - but yeah, there’s air.

“Are you okay?” Lexi asks. 

“No.”

“Well, can you breathe?”

“Yes.” 

“Good.” Lexi says simply. They sit across from each other on the bathroom floor, Rue’s legs spread out far enough that her ankles occasionally brush Lexi’s. 

Rue decides right then and there that Lexi is the most stable person in this entire town. Being in her house feels the same as being in her father’s arms during a bad thunderstorm, like the entire world could not break down this sanctuary even if it tried its hardest. Rue sort of wants to live here, in this house with few horrors. She knows that if she called her mom and asked if she could stay at Lexi’s all of Winter break, then her mom would be fine with it. Chaos seems to never stay long in the Howard house, at least not the way it does in Rue’s.

“You can stay the night if you want.” Lexi offers, like after all these years she can still read Rue’s mind. 

“Okay.” 

And it’s nice, because that’s all Lexi says. She doesn’t grill Rue for answers - though, quite frankly Lexi deserves them with how Rue had just barged in - or say anything stupid about Rue’s problems. Lexi just, kind of, is. She’s there the way the floor is, a quiet but vital part of the world. 

“Can I borrow clothes to sleep in?” Rue gets to her feet, suddenly feeling very tired.

“Yeah, sure.” Lexi stands and opens the door. “Come on.” 

They go upstairs, past Lexi’s mom who is having a wine-induced nap and past Cassie’s empty room, and into Lexi’s. It’s the same as it has been for years, but Rue still wanders around it to search for any changes she could have missed. Rue has always liked Lexi’s room. Lexi always keeps it almost-oddly neat, and it’s organized the way Rue likes it - probably because she had once completely rearranged Lexi’s room before she’d started getting help for her OCD.

It’s symmetrical. Stable. Safe. Almost like Lexi hadn’t set it up to eat and sleep and live in, but for it to be a place for Rue to come after or during breakdowns.

Rue turns around, finding Lexi standing there with a pajama set that looks much too big for Lexi’s small frame. She thanks her and starts pushing the jacket off her body. Rue has felt uncomfortable in the outfit all night and is a little too desperate to slip on a baggy shirt or a hoodie. She folds and sets the jacket down on the edge of Lexi’s bed. It’s dark, but Rue is pretty sure she sees a flash of panic in Lexi’s eyes before she quickly spins around.

“You okay?” Rue asks, voice mirroring Lexi’s from earlier.

“Yeah.” Lexi responds, not sounding convincing at all. “I’m going to, uh, go change. I’ll be back.”

Lexi is gone before Rue can get another word out. It’s not weird, exactly. Lexi hasn’t watched Rue change clothes since they were thirteen. Rue isn’t really sure why, but there had been some time in middle school when she’d taken off her clothes and Lexi had ran into a wall in her haste to put space between them. Whatever. Lexi is kind of shy, after all.

Rue finishes up changing. Once she’s done, she thinks that maybe that theory about Lexi making a safe haven for Rue isn’t that far off. The pajama set on her body doesn’t fit her. Not because it’s too small, like Rue had expected, but it’s too big. Big enough that Rue feels safe, swimming in the fabric. There’s absolutely no way Lexi could wear this on her own, it would slip right off of her. 

The icing on top of the cake is the hoodie. It’s her dad’s. Not actually, because it would be pretty creepy if Lexi were to break into Rue’s house to steal it - but it’s the exact same brand and everything. Rue slips it on and zips it up (no one can tell her it’s weird to sleep in a sweatshirt), feeling immediate comfort. The smell is too clean and it isn’t as worn out, but Rue curls her fingers in the pockets and feels some odd type of peace at the clump of fabric in her palm. 

Lexi returns minutes later with her face void of her Winter formal makeup, and she squeaks like a surprised mouse when Rue suddenly hugs her. 

Rue pretty much drapes herself all over Lexi, the side of her face pressed into Lexi’s forehead and her long arms hanging down around Lexi’s shoulders. Lexi’s body is surprisingly firm, though. She’s able to hold Rue up pretty well, even with the shock that comes from the blatant affection. 

When is the last time Rue hugged Lexi? Years, probably. 

“...Are you high?” Lexi questions slowly and it makes Rue laugh. 

Now she remembers the last time she’d hugged Lexi. It had been in the school parking lot, and Rue was high off her ass as she’d scooped Lexi’s body off of the ground and into the air for a tight hug. It was weird, but it had been one of her better highs.

“No, I’m just…” Rue finally lets her go, squeezing Lexi’s shoulders before stepping away to get on the bed. “Thanks.”

Lexi shrugs it off, seeming a bit confused. “You can borrow clothes whenever. I’m not sure everything would fit you, but you can definitely pull off crop-tops.” 

“Thanks, Lex.” She replies. Rue gets under the covers and, after a moment of hesitation, so does Lexi.

Their limbs don’t touch or cross and they don’t cuddle at all, but it’s still nice. Rue stares up at the ceiling. She thinks she’ll call this the Hospital Effect. Life is still kicking her ass and she barely trusts herself not to jump out of the window in the middle of the night to run home to her stash or to the train station for a belated runaway, but there’s no responsibilities here. 

She didn’t even have to get an infection to get here. 

-

During Christmas break, Lexi’s house smells like pancakes in the mornings. Rue had forgotten that little fact, but she remembers it as the break kicks off and she wakes up to the mouth-watering scent of it. It also makes every other memory in Rue’s mind rush to the surface, most of which is shitty, and after a minute Rue’s mood goes back to crap. 

Still, that first minute of peace is new.

Rue shifts and blinks until she feels a bit more awake, and in the process her mouth accidentally drags across something stretched but soft. 

Oh, that’s Lexi’s neck.

Oh, that’s Lexi.

Rue sits up, finding their legs tangled together and her arm slung around Lexi’s waist. She can’t help that she likes to cuddle, but something tells her that Lexi would freak out a little (okay, a lot) if she found out Rue had just essentially kissed her neck. Lexi is starting to blink awake, so Rue hurriedly pulls all of her limbs away until they are a safe distance away from each other. 

“Morning.” Lexi murmurs, her voice sounding all types of sleepy. “Pancakes?” 

“Yeah, there’s- Cassie is making pancakes, I think.” Rue gets out of bed and starts to gather her things quickly. She assumes that Lexi wants her gone and besides, she has things (drugs) to do. 

Lexi is sitting up, rubbing at her eyes and watching Rue with a truly confused look on her face. “Don’t you want pancakes? Are they still your favorite?”

They are still Rue’s favorite. She just hadn’t expected Lexi to want her around, especially with how Rue is acting lately. Rue slows in her quest to collect everything and get out of there. Her first instinct is to decline and leave, but her stomach rumbles as if it’s answering Lexi’s question and Lexi’s sleepy smile seems so welcoming that she can’t deny it.

“Yeah, they are.”

So, less than two minutes later, Rue is reliving her childhood and standing in Lexi’s kitchen with a plate. Lexi’s family feels fuller than Rue’s somehow, even though they have the same amount of family members. Their kitchen is pretty big too, but it feels small. Cassie is running around flipping pancakes, Lexi is trying to find some type of fruit in the fridge, and their mom is complaining about something in the newspaper. It’s the nice type of chaos, the type that doesn’t end in screaming and tears. 

“Pancakes everyday until Christmas!” Cassie announces, looking very much like an excited child as she stacks three pancakes onto Rue’s plate. 

“Thanks.” Rue says, much quieter, and sits at the table.

Lexi’s head pops back out of the fridge. “Your plan seems highly unhealthy.” 

“My plan seems fun! This is why Santa wouldn’t bring you presents, you’re a Grinch.” 

Lexi rolls her eyes good-naturedly and shuts the fridge’s door, now holding a plastic container with strawberries in it. She grabs a small plate and a knife, then settles down in the chair next to Rue. She starts to cut each strawberry into four small pieces and at some point Lexi pauses, throwing a handful of strawberries onto Rue’s pancakes before continuing. Rue thanks her for that, too - she loves strawberries on her pancakes - and devours her first pancake in seconds. 

The only thing that could make this better is-

“Do you want coffee, Bennett?” Lexi asks, already standing up to go get them both mugs.

Rue puts on her best detective expression. “Of course, Howard.” 

Lexi beams at her and opens the cupboard to grab mugs. She gets a purple one and an orange one, then goes over to the coffee maker to pour them some. Rue focuses on scarfing down her second pancake.

“You guys still do that detective thing?” Cassie asks as she sits down. “It’s super cute. I think Lexi still has those pictures of you guys in suspenders on Halloween, don’t you Lex?”

Cassie grins at Lexi, who nearly spills the coffee with how awkward she suddenly gets. 

“Um.” Lexi manages to say, looking relieved when the phone rings. She goes to pick it up and holds it to her ear for a minute before pulling it away. “Rue, it’s your mom.”

Rue shoves another bite of amazing syrupy pancake into her mouth before standing up and taking the phone from Lexi. Her mom is on the other line and is speaking pretty fast, probably on her way to work, but she isn’t questioning Rue about drinking or drugs or her whereabouts. It’s most likely because Lexi answered the phone, and Lexi is almost more protective of Rue than her mom is. 

“Just come home within three hours, okay?” Her mom tells her. “Come hangout with Gia.” 

“I will.” Rue promises. It’s a reasonable request and she had planned on leaving soon anyways.

“Okay, good. I love you.”

“Love you too, mom.” 

Once the short phone call is over, Rue sits back down. The kitchen gets quieter as everyone busies themselves with their pancakes and Lexi eats a significant amount of strawberries. She occasionally hands Rue more of the fruit (and eyes how much syrup Rue is putting on her pancakes like she’s slightly concerned), but otherwise focuses on cutting and eating. 

When her plate is clear and her mouth isn’t busy, Rue nudges Lexi with her knee. “So, do you still have them?”

“Have what?” 

“The pictures.” Rue clarifies. “Of us.” 

Lexi’s cheeks turn bright red.

A few hours later, Rue is half-heartedly pushing Gia on the swings. She must look like shit, but she’s making a valiant effort to stay clean here. Someone should buy her a fucking medal. She knows if she returns home those pills will speak to her (literally - it’s happened before), so she used Lexi’s phone to text Gia about meeting at the park. They’ve been here an hour and Rue has decided that avoidance is a pretty cool technique, because her imagination has run wild with the thought that Jules is really just at home studying or some other boring shit. 

It’s technically not a lie. Rue has no idea where Jules is. The train had been into the city, but that was hours ago. There’s been enough time for Jules to have sobered up, came home, and climbed back up into her room. Rue hasn’t checked and she won’t, so the lie is not really a lie. 

“Okay, we’ve been here an hour.” Gia digs the heels of her shoes into the ground, effectively stopping the swing from moving. “You haven’t taken me to the park in years. Why are we here?”

“Sisterly bonding.” Rue replies. Gia is too smart for that, which Rue is both glad and mad about.

“We could have done that at home.” Gia pauses, the silence making it apparent that she’s thinking something over. “Is this about Lexi?”

Rue exhales loudly enough that the whole park could hear it if they focused. She had thought that Gia would’ve brought up Jules. Even though that name comes up in Rue’s head every other heartbreaking second, she really isn’t ready to hear it said aloud. Call her a sap if you want, but she would probably burst into tears and hide under a slide while she did it.

“Why would it be about Lexi?”

Gia’s fingers fiddle with the swings’ chains, but her back is to Rue so Rue can’t guess her next sentence. “Well, you stayed over at her house. Usually when you stay over at a girl’s house you come home all giggly and weird but now you just seem… calm.” 

“It’s because I am.” 

And that’s not a lie either, because while Rue’s life is falling to shambles, it’s doing it slowly. She’s on the Titanic. She’ll go down with style and some music and Leonardo DiCaprio.

The iceberg has already hit, but it won’t really take her down and drown her until she inevitably goes home to where the cold, unforgiving sea is.

Maybe Rue is being dramatic.

“Have you seen the Titanic?” Rue asks. Another distraction. 

“No.”

“Gia, that’s a goddamn travesty.”

Rue’s distractions for the day include driving over an hour to get Gia to a movie theater out of town that is playing the Titanic, even though they have the DVD at home. The movie is long enough that combined with the drive and the ice cream they stop for, it’s dark when they return to town. Then, it seems there’s nothing for them to do but go home and sleep - and that thought terrifies Rue.

Anyways, the world comes up with a natural distraction pretty fucking quick.

“Holy fucking shit.” Gia gasps as a body goes flying over the car. Rue would tell her to watch her language, but Gia is completely right - holy fucking shit.

Now, Rue would like to keep it on record that she did not mean to run over Lexi Howard. Not at all. It’s just, Rue wasn’t feeling well as soon as she turned down the street her house is on, and it had been dark. So dark. And it’s not like Rue ever actually drives their crappy second car, so it’s not her fault that she’s bad at this. 

However, it is her fault that she sits there staring at the dimly lit street in front of her, wishing their headlights were brighter. It is her fault that her senses are never at their best because of the years of drug abuse. It is her fault that she barely budges when Gia starts frantically pulling at her arm. It’s definitely her fault that it takes her a whole ass minute to get the fuck out of the car and check on her friend.

She’s just in shock.

Rue stumbles out of the car and runs around to the back of it, nearly throwing up when she catches sight of Gia’s face and Lexi’s body. Lexi doesn’t seem to have any major injuries, but she’s definitely unconscious and they should check if she’s breathing and is this the worst thing Rue has done all year? 

Is this the final blow from the iceberg, yards away from her house?

“Call 911.” Rue instructs, because she’s supposed to be the adult here. Her voice sounds strained, panicked. She repeats herself until Gia scurries back into the car for her phone. “Go! Call 911.” 

Rue kneels down beside Lexi, praying even though she’s an atheist. She lets her hand hover over Lexi’s mouth and feels the air there, the slow and shaky inhale and exhale. Relief hits her like a ton of bricks. 

For the first time ever, Rue tells Lexi what Lexi has been telling her for years. “It’s okay. Focus on your breathing.”


	2. The Hospital Effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexi is a mess, Rue is a mess... lesbian disasters

It turns out that guilt is a wonderful distraction.

Rue knows that technically what she did was fine. She didn’t mean to run over Lexi, and both Cassie and their mom has told Rue that it wasn’t her fault. They aren’t pressing charges or anything and the doctors have said Lexi will be fine with the proper rest. Still, the fact that Rue did this at all is enough to keep her glued in one of those uncomfortable hospital seats at Lexi’s bedside.

As sick as it is to say, this is all kind of a good thing. Lexi will wake up sometime soon and Rue will be there to apologize a billion times for the entire incident. Rue will probably stay with Lexi until they can get her back home. The good part of all of this is that Rue will be with Lexi and not at home with her drugs or off doing something equally terrible. Every time Rue tries to get up to stretch or use the bathroom, her mind replays the sight of Lexi’s body flying over the car, and suddenly she’s rushing herself to finish up pissing. 

Anyways, this isn’t the worst situation in the world for Rue. She likes hospitals. She likes Lexi. She’s been sitting in the hospital with Lexi and her family for a couple hours now, and they’re all just waiting for Lexi to wake up. 

“Rue, it’s past midnight.” Lexi’s mom informs her. “Lexi is okay. Doesn’t your family want you home?”

Lexi’s mom sounds tired, but Rue is more restless than ever. She’s miles away from sleep. In fact, she’s been thinking about jogging up and down the halls for the past hour. She just needs to know if there is a way to do that while avoiding doctors and nurses. That’s another reason Rue can’t get up and leave the hospital, there’s way too much energy in her bones and for now it’s good for her to focus that on Lexi.

“No, my mom is fine with it.” That’s not technically a lie. Rue hadn’t asked her mom about sleeping over in a hospital, so she’s not sure if her mom is fine with it or not.

See? Avoidance. Quite a good coping mechanism. 

“Okay.” Lexi’s mom replies uncertainly.

Rue watches her own knee bounce a bit uncontrollably and rests her hand on it to stop the action. She needs to at least try not to look like a crazy person. She would make a joke about how she sometimes looks like one of those guys twitching and begging for pills outside the dollar store, but well - it’s too depressing to admit that she had once been on a first name basis with those guys. 

It’s past midnight. She should be a little tired, like a normal person. Instead, she’s over here practically vibrating in her seat and- wait.

“What time did you say it was?” Rue asks. There was definitely a mix-up with the time or Rue simply heard wrong.

Lexi’s mom rubs her temples but sighs and checks the time on her phone. “12:27.” 

Past midnight - that means it’s been an entire day without Jules. 

How the fuck is Rue still sober?

As predicted, Rue doesn’t sleep at all that night. Cassie fades in and out of consciousness while their mom clocks out around two in the morning and then snores for hours. Rue finishes several pages in a coloring book, fluffs Lexi’s pillow a total of twenty times, and has a brief conversation with a sleepy nurse about what Jell-O is made out of. It’s an eventful night.

When the sun rises and light sweeps into the room, the first thing to go from dark to bright is the wall behind Lexi’s bed. Then, slowly, some of the hospital’s equipment is lit up, and then Lexi herself is bathed in the warm glow of it all. She looks unmistakably pretty, the way all girls eventually do if you look at them long enough. Rue definitely looks at her long enough, because when she finally glances away and blinks, the image of Lexi appears behind her eyelids.

Rue glances back at Lexi after a second. She looks so peaceful. Calm, in this effortless way that Rue admires. It’s like catching that golden light right before the sun goes down and feeling the air rush through her as she rides her bike down an empty street. It’s beautiful. Lexi is beautiful.

Beautiful, and slowly waking up. 

Lexi and Cassie stir themselves into consciousness at the same time. Cassie yawns just as Lexi’s eyes begin to inch open, and they both say the same word in creepy-sibling unison.

“Pancakes.”

The Howard family really does have some type of odd pancake addiction - but Rue really isn’t the right person to lecture Cassie or Lexi on unhealthy addictions.

“Lex!” Cassie says, a little too loudly. It makes their mom grunt and wake up along with the rest of her family. “You’re awake.” 

Cassie is up on her feet and their mom is rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, while Rue stays quiet in her seat. Despite Rue’s ninja-like silence, Lexi’s head falls to the side and her eyes focus on Rue immediately. 

Like a dumbass, Rue raises her hand and gives a small wave. It makes Lexi smile.

“Rue?” Lexi asks. “What are you doing here? What happened?”

Rue prays that Lexi doesn’t have memory loss and was simply thrown off by the fact that she got hit with a car Rue was driving. Rue doesn’t drive. She got her license because everyone else did, but she prefers her bike and has only ever gotten behind the wheel a handful of times since she passed the driver’s ed test. There’s no way Lexi would associate a random driver hitting her in a car that never leaves the garage with Rue.

Suddenly finding the floor very interesting, Rue mumbles. “I may have hit you with my car.”

Cue the most awkward explanation of anything Rue has ever had to talk about.

Lexi, bless her soul, waves away all of Rue’s apologies. She barely even lets Rue apologize the first time - in Lexi’s eyes it’s none of Rue’s fault and Rue should ‘calm down and go nap’. In fact, several people use different words to essentially tell Rue the exact same thing. She doesn’t listen, obviously, because an hour later Rue is still roaming the hospital’s halls with two armfuls of Jell-O containers. 

Maybe it’s a little concerning that Rue knows exactly when and where to go in the hospital to get copious amounts of gelatin, but it’s worth it to see Lexi laugh when Rue dumps the containers onto the bed.

“You’re insane.” Lexi says immediately.

That’s a totally fair comment to make. 

It takes Rue a few seconds to respond since she’s out of breath from running (maybe that’s also concerning, because she barely ran and she’s still huffing like an overweight adult male), but she grins breathlessly.

“Haven’t you tried the Jell-O diet?” Rue asks, tossing a plastic spoon Lexi’s way. “It’s how I got so hot today.”

Rue grins teasingly at Lexi and Lexi begins to fiddle with the snack’s packaging, eyes set down. It’s weird how Lexi’s mood changes so quickly sometimes, like Rue is somehow unintentionally sending Lexi into an awkward, downward spiral. She doesn’t really get it exactly, but Rue will say something and Lexi will react in the way that she is now, so Rue just drops it. The last thing she wants to do is make Lexi uncomfortable - if that’s what this whole thing is. 

“Are you okay?” Rue asks, even though she knows this is not the first time she’s checked in on Lexi. She sits on the edge of the bed (fuck those uncomfortable hospital chairs) and pulls her knees up under her chin, quietly waiting for Lexi’s answer.

“You’ve asked me that five times now, Rue.” She points out.

“You’ve lied five times.”

“I’m fine, really.” Lexi assures her. “It doesn’t hurt or anything. Besides, they gave me, uh…” 

Lexi pauses and glances around a little awkwardly. Rue could probably correctly guess whatever drugs they gave her, but she hates the pity-stare people give her whenever she casually names drugs like it’s normal. It is normal. It’s Rue’s normal. 

“Painkillers?” Rue supplies, choosing not to start listing possible choices.

“Yeah.”

They fall into a comfortable silence after that. No one else is in the room besides them. Cassie had gone home to delicious, real food after her stomach rumbled for the hundredth time and their mom had work, so now it was just Rue. It’s not like she has anything better to do. Gia is old enough to go do things on her own, her mom has work, there’s no Jules, and school is out until New Years. 

Plus, she feels responsible. She is responsible. Running over your friend, intentionally or not, is a really shitty thing to do - and Rue is trying not to be a shitty person.

“Can you do me a favor?” Rue asks, very slowly. It hurts to get the words out. She even immediately regrets saying them and hopes that Lexi didn’t hear her at all, but Lexi looks up at her as Rue scrapes down her third container of Jell-O.

Yeah, fuck. Lexi definitely heard. Maybe Rue can just swallow her words back into her mouth somehow. 

“Sure.” Lexi replies. “Anything. What is it?” 

Rue tries and fails to come up with a lie. She needs someone who won’t judge her to do this favor, but she also doesn’t really want the favor done. It’s a weird cycle, honestly. Like how everyone wants visible abs but no one wants to skip that donut or actually use their gym membership. 

Lexi’s face is so honest and caring that it breaks Rue, breaks whatever bullshit she was going to come up with into little pieces.

“I have drugs.” Rue blurts, and decides to rush through the rest of the explanation before she stops herself. “Not, like, on me right now. They’re in an empty shampoo bottle at my house. I just… don’t trust myself not to take them now that Jules is, uh- would you please go to my house later and flush them?” 

She hates her rambling. She hates the sound of her voice whenever it changes from it’s usual, low monotone. Rue’s real voice doesn’t give a fuck about hiding any of her emotions, and she’s been training herself to mask all of it for years. Sometimes, when she can’t help it or when she’s with someone who makes her feel comfortable (in this situation it’s both), Rue slips up. 

Lexi doesn’t judge her for it, though. Lexi doesn’t judge her for anything. She’s literally collected Lexi’s urine on numerous occasions and Lexi has still just given her the same look. 

Rue doesn’t know how to describe ‘the look’, really. If someone asked and she had to give details, she would say Lexi looked as if she was watching a sad scene in her all time favorite movie - like a mixture of love and hate, pride and disappointment, and just not being able to look away. 

Rue, on the other hand, can look away. She does it quickly, focusing on shoving more gelatin into her mouth instead of her friend’s eyes.

(They’re brown, but not brown like Rue’s eyes are brown. Rue’s eyes are just there, not striking or noticeable or anything. Lexi’s eyes are a few shades lighter, enough that Rue is kind of surprised she forgot about the color of them. Before, she probably would have guessed they were green.)

“Yeah. I can do that.” Lexi replies and Rue lets out a small sigh of relief. 

“Thanks, Lex. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Are we going roller-skating again?” There’s a little hint of bitterness hidden in Lexi’s voice, one that Rue only catches because she’s used to hiding things, too.

Still, it’s embarrassing how long it takes Rue to figure out what Lexi is talking about. She remembers roller-skating, but she barely remembers Lexi’s presence, even though they had only gone for her. It was because Jules was there, and in the moments Jules was there Rue suddenly lost the ability to multitask. She also gained the ability to be a total asshole, apparently.

“I’m sorry.” Rue says, and she means it for everything. For running Lexi over with her car, for the roller-skating, the screaming, the years spent ignoring her friend, and the fact that Lexi had to put up with her bullshit at all. 

She doesn’t say that, though. Doesn’t know how to. Doesn’t want to deal with the fact that she had been living in a bubble, and she is a truly shitty person. 

“It’s okay.” Lexi replies, and Rue comes to the conclusion that the only good one here is Lexi. “But this time, I’m picking the activity.” 

-

By the next day, the drugs are gone. 

Rue knows it because when she finally returns home after spending the day at the park, Gia mentions Lexi stopping by for some lipstick that Rue definitely doesn’t have. So, Rue cooks and eats dinner with her sister in a clean house. Her mom comes home late and is surprised to find Rue there (because Rue had spent three nights with Lexi, only one of them out of the hospital), but she microwaves the last of dinner and eats in front of the television and doesn’t say much about anything.

It’s a normal occurrence. Sometimes her mom works late and comes home quiet. Sometimes Rue will actually cook dinner, other times she’ll let Gia pour them cereal or order something cheap. Except, this is the first time in years that they’ve done it all in a drug-free house.

It feels empty. 

It’s terrible and necessary at the same time.

Rue’s hands shake a bit while she watches TV with her mom, and at one point she gets up to go check the shampoo bottle - it’s empty, and she knows that is empty because she asked Lexi to do the favor, so of course it was done quick and efficiently - but that doesn’t help much. She ends up pacing across her bedroom for awhile until she finally sinks to the floor and starts looking through her phone. 

It takes two minutes to discover that there’s really nothing interesting on her phone. She has Angry Birds, but she beat the game a long time ago. She also has Instagram and Snapchat and all the other bullshit, but all of her posts are from when she was fucked up, so going down memory lane doesn’t seem so fun. 

Rue eventually ends up opening her text messages. She thinks about texting Fez, until she decides that communicating with her only source of drugs while trying to stay sober is a bad idea. She loves Fez, but she needs time. So, she lets her thumb hover over her messages with Jules instead. Rue shows an amazing amount of restraint, keeping her thumb still for a full minute before she finally clicks the screen and opens the chat.

She types up an entire crazy message on a whim about how Jules should send her location so Rue can meet her somewhere with fentanyl and kisses. Then, she deletes it, because she’s being insane. 

In the end, Rue does send a text. She simply asks Jules how she is doing. She can’t help it. It’s been days and she’s worried. Maybe it was a bad choice to let Jules get on a train alone while drunk, but Rue assumes that Jules called her dad because no one is building a search party for her. Not a lot of people have even noticed that she’s missing, with school being out and stuff.

Anyways, Rue can’t let herself dwell on Jules too much. If she does, then she’ll cry and that’s… lame. 

Rue keeps on scrolling through her messages until she finds Lexi, and she doesn’t think twice about skipping the texting altogether to call Lexi. 

Lexi picks up on the second ring. “Hey, Rue. What’s up?”

“Nothing much.” Rue replies, which is dumb because she should have a reason for calling Lexi besides ‘nothing much’. “I was just wondering how you’re doing.” 

“I’m good. I’m a little worried about you, though. You know, there’s this thing called texting that teenagers use when they’re bored.” 

Rue smiles at her feet. “Sarcasm, Howard. That’s cute, I’m impressed.”

She swears she hears the tiny, sharp intake of breath Lexi takes on the other line. Rue can’t see Lexi, but she imagines Lexi dipping her head and flushing - slipping back into that uncomfortable mood because of whatever dumb shit Rue apparently just said. 

Rue clears her throat and soldiers on.

“I know texting is a thing. Your voice is just soothing, that’s all.” Rue admits, and internally slaps herself a second later.

Shit. That was a super creepy thing to say.

Thankfully, Lexi doesn’t pause for too long before she starts speaking again. “Is there a reason you need soothing?” 

“Can’t sleep.” Rue tells her.

In all honesty, Rue hasn’t been trying that hard. She thinks about it and realizes that she hadn’t slept that first night in the hospital or the second, so it’s been about two days now. Does she even need sleep? Sometimes Rue gets into this odd state where she forgets sleep is essential and she goes awhile without it, until she notices she has too much free time due to her nights being open. 

“When’s the last time you slept?” Lexi questions.

“Two days, give or take.”

“Rue…”

She doesn’t really like the clear worry sweeping into Lexi’s voice (she doesn’t deserve Lexi’s care), so she deflects. “I’ve got cases to solve, Howard. Coffee to drink, men to interrogate, cigarettes to smoke.” 

“The case files are at my house, Bennett.” Lexi points out. 

Let it be known that Rue doesn’t currently have the brain capacity to think things through. 

“Then I’ll be right over.” She announces, dumbly.

“Good.”

Lexi hangs up before Rue gets a chance to protest. Damn, she’s been bested by her own partner. Rue probably should have figured out Lexi had some sort of plan the second Lexi continued their Howard and Bennett act while knowing Rue wasn’t sleeping. Now, Rue isn’t really sure if she’s actually supposed to go over to Lexi’s house, but it could help. The last time she slept was in Lexi’s bed, after all.

Besides, it isn’t even midnight yet. Biking hours are still open, and Rue needs a distraction.

She puts her phone in her pocket and stands up, grabbing a hoodie before she goes out into the hall. Rue thinks about changing for a second (“You usually dress like Seth Rogen.”) but decides against it. Lexi has never criticized her for her outfits before. In fact, Lexi had gotten tipsy once and gone as far as to casually flick a pair of alien boxers Rue was wearing, calling them cute before bursting into giggles. 

Rue walks down the hall and tries to sneak past her mom on the couch, but fails.

“Where are you going?” Her mom sits up unexpectedly, voice already close to her scolding tone. “It’s late.”

“Lexi’s.” Rue replies.

Her mom inspects her for a moment longer before sinking back into the cushions. “Okay. Come back in the morning.”

“Okay.” Rue agrees, a little surprised with her mom’s easy answer. 

Usually she would be questioned further or her mom would assume that she’s lying about where she’s going. Then again, there have been several instances where her mom has called to check up on Rue and Rue has been with Lexi. Most of the time they’re eating - pancakes or Jell-O, the essentials. 

Rue goes outside and grabs her bike. She’s gotten pretty fast over the years, but not when she doesn’t sleep for days. It takes her a bit to get there, but she does eventually get there. She leaves her bike on the lawn once she’s outside and knocks on the door.

“Hey, Rue-Rue.” Cassie smiles when she opens the door, looking genuinely happy to see Rue. “Lexi is upstairs.”

Rue nods and goes upstairs to Lexi’s room. She finds Lexi already in her pajamas, sitting on the edge of the bed with her phone in her hands and seemingly waiting.

“Hey.” Rue greets, stepping further into the room.

“Hey.” Lexi responds.

They look at each other for a moment, caught up in the silence, until Rue yawns and joins Lexi on the bed. They both crawl up towards the pillows and seconds later they’re under the sheets, neither one of them really making any move to sleep except for Lexi, who shuts the lights off.

“So.” Lexi starts, curling into a ball as she faces Rue. “What usually helps you sleep?”

Sleeping pills.

Hard alcohol. 

Jules.

“I like… I don’t know, cuddling.” Rue admits. As soon as the words leave her lips, she can see the blush blossom on Lexi’s face - but that’s fine, because if Rue were paler than her cheeks would be bright red, too.

Cuddling? Seriously? She’s Rue Bennett. People think of her as a badass for some reason. She must have done something cool over the last couple years while she was blacked out. Either way, even the word cuddling is enough to embarrass Rue.

Lexi must sense it, because she clearly rushes herself into a response. “That’s, um. Cool. Cool, yeah. Okay.”

She can see Lexi nodding to herself in the dark like she’s talking herself into something. Rue doesn’t question it. She’s had full conversations with herself aloud before, so she has no room to start judging. 

After a moment, Lexi rolls over. Just rolls over with no words. Rue is staring at her back for several dumb seconds before it finally clicks and she shuffles forward, putting her arm around Lexi’s waist. They settle into the embrace very slowly, like one of them is going to suddenly get up and run away. Neither of them run away, and just a moment later Rue is comfortably resting against Lexi’s body.

It’s different than what it was with Jules.

Rue and Jules had always slept too close. They’d have their faces less than inches away from each other, breasts pushed together enough that it was almost uncomfortable, and let their fingers brush a little lower than they were supposed to. It was always like Rue was in one big dare. 

Jules dares you to kiss her, Rue - see if she’ll break your heart.

This is low risk, high reward. Rue feels herself sink into the mattress easily, her eyes falling shut faster than she had expected. Lexi’s body is softer than Rue thought it would be, and it’s a welcome surprise. It’s all very comforting, actually.

There’s a small, tiny second where the tip of Rue’s nose nudges the back of Lexi’s neck and she hears Lexi’s breathing stutter. It isn’t bad, exactly. It’s just new. Rue’s never heard Lexi’s breath shake before, but there is something about it that makes it replay in Rue’s ears as she starts to fall asleep. 

Rue wants to do it again, just to test a theory that she hasn’t come up with yet. It’s a little obsession she can feel herself gaining, and she needs to nip it in the bud.

Very carefully, so it seems like an accident, Rue tilts her head forward just a bit to bump her nose against that same spot on Lexi’s neck. Instead, she fucks up. It’s dark and again, she hasn’t slept in two days. Also, she is about ten seconds away from actually falling asleep. Her aim is off - that is definitely not her fault.

When Rue leans in, testing her barely-there theory, her nose completely misses the memo. Instead, her lips gently brush against the skin.

Lexi’s entire body shivers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep imagining young Rue and Lexi dressing up in their detective outfits on Halloween, but they also go a solid year calling each other Bennett and Howard until their moms get annoyed


	3. A Leonardo DiCaprio Marathon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me blasting All For Us on repeat all day? Very likely
> 
> (Also if u can’t already tell I have crushes on Zendaya and Leonardo DiCaprio, it really jumped out in this fic)

Rue may or may not have some sort of cuddling obsession. 

That sounds weird as fuck, but she really doesn’t know how else to describe it. First she’d gotten used to falling asleep in her dad’s arms, then curled up in her mom’s lap, followed by months of sleeping while pressed up against Jules, and now there’s Lexi. 

She wakes up before Lexi again, but this time Rue doesn’t move to untangle their limbs. She stays put, listening to the steady sound of Lexi’s breathing because it’s strangely nice. Rue likes the feeling of warmth spreading all over her and how Lexi is tiny enough to fit under Rue’s chin perfectly. She feels well rested for the first time in awhile and it’s just - it’s nice.

So, yeah. Cuddling obsession.

At least until the rest of the world sinks in and Rue remembers everything that’s going on. She wonders if Jules texted back, if Gia is getting high right now or not, and if Fez is okay or dead. It all just kind of hits her at once, like she’s a football player on the field who has just been tackled. 

“Rue - uh, ow.” Lexi grumbles, and it’s then that Rue realizes Lexi is awake and that she’s squeezing Lexi much too hard.

“Sorry.” Rue apologizes, loosening her grip. 

That is also the moment Rue notices her hand placement is off, with her fingers resting under Lexi’s shirt and her palm pressed flat against Lexi’s bare stomach. She pulls her hand back and Lexi rolls over onto her back, but her shirt is still riding up when she faces Rue. There’s a little purple mark just above Lexi’s waist, standing out against the otherwise pale skin. Rue knows she probably shouldn’t, but she brushes her fingers against it in an act of pure curiosity and concern. 

“How’d you get this?” Rue questions, gently prodding at the skin around the bruise.

It takes a moment for Lexi to respond (probably because she’s still half-asleep), and when Rue glances up to check on her Lexi’s lips are parted while her face is pink.

“You ran me over, remember?” 

Oh. Right.

“Fuck.” Rue says. She’s such a shitty friend. “I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing.” Lexi replies quietly.

A beat passes. It’s a nice, little moment where they sit in the morning glow and Rue keeps on carefully inspecting Lexi’s stomach with her fingertips. Lexi’s breathing is uneven the entire time. It’s not slow like when she’s sleeping or steady like when she’s awake. It’s not even the shaky type of breathing that means Lexi’s afraid. It’s an unfamiliar tremble in the way Lexi inhales and exhales, one that Rue can’t put an emotion to.

“Are there any other bruises?” Rue asks after awhile.

Lexi nods. “Yeah, on my arm and my leg.”

“Can I see them?”

Rue doesn’t really know what she’s doing, but she feels guilty and she wants to help. She thinks this is kind of helping, in a way. Like how a mother kisses her child’s skinned knee - it doesn’t really make the kid’s knee magically heal, but it makes things feels better.

“Yeah.” Lexi agrees. She goes for the bruises on her arm first, pulling her short sleeve up to reveal two dark red marks that are close to her shoulder.

They look less severe than the other one, but as Rue stares at it more she convinces herself that it probably hurt just as much. She thinks about the analogy she made earlier with the kid and the mom and the kissing, and suddenly she’s leaning forward and pressing her lips to Lexi’s arm for a split second.

“There, all better.” Rue says, like that’s much of an explanation. 

Lexi just blinks at her before coming back to her senses and nodding. “Yeah. All better.”

“Leg?” Rue prompts and Lexi pushes the sheets off of them until her leg is exposed. She’s wearing shorts, but Rue looks over her legs in search of a bruise and finds nothing. Rue is about to ask her where it is when Lexi grabs the fabric and hikes it up a bit, showing Rue the bruise on her inner thigh.

Rue pauses - she hasn’t seen this much of Lexi’s thigh in ages, it’s been long enough that Lexi’s legs don’t look like sticks anymore - before she dips down and quickly kisses Lexi’s thigh. Rue finds herself thinking that it’s a nice thigh, and then she realizes that’s weird as hell so she rids the thought from her mind and leans a comfortable distance away. 

Lexi’s eyes are on the ceiling, hands curled into tiny fists at her sides. Her chest is noticeably rising and falling a little too fast, but Rue doesn’t comment on it. Maybe she should comment on it, because it seems as if Lexi is panicking or going through some other type of emotion that leaves her breathless. Rue is about to ask if she’s okay when Lexi sits up in the bed and quickly climbs out of it.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom.” Lexi announces. Before Rue can even get a response out of her mouth, Lexi is gone.

Rue sighs and flops onto her back. She really needs to stop accidentally pushing Lexi away.

“Have fun?” Cassie asks as Lexi finally gets out of the bathroom and joins them about twenty minutes later. 

Cassie is sitting next to Rue with a teasing grin on her face and Lexi rolls her eyes as she goes to grab a plate, but her face gives away that she’s noticeably embarrassed by the comment. Lexi flicks Cassie’s shoulder when she sits down at the table and Cassie simply smiles even wider to herself, in on some joke Rue doesn’t know about it. Rue tries to catch Lexi’s attention by staring at her (maybe not the best plan of action but it usually works on most people), but Lexi pointedly won’t meet her eyes all of breakfast.

Rue shrugs it off. Some siblings are so weird.

“You can taste the Christmas trees, mom.” Gia says as they walk between two large, healthy looking trees. Rue nods in agreement. “They have sap. Sap is edible. Christmas trees are essentially a food.” 

Gia announces this every year when they go to buy a tree. Every year, Rue agrees with her by using a silent nod. Every year, their mom looks at them like they’re both crazy. Years ago, their mom used to laugh and say that her children must have been on drugs. Now, she skips that part of the whole process. 

Rue finds herself thinking about it anyways. To her, it feels like there’s this gaping hole where her mother’s voice would usually ring. It’s a Christmas tradition, one ruined by Rue. She remembers how it had been a clear joke in the past, like her mom couldn’t even imagine the thought of either of her kids becoming drug addicts. It was such a distant idea back then that it was laughable.

Now, not so much.

“Which trees do you want to look at first, Gia?” Rue asks, feeling responsible for breaking the silence. 

Gia seems to have not noticed what Rue did and cheerfully points to the left. “Those ones!” 

So, they go towards ‘those ones’. They have to walk through a section of multicolored fake trees to get there. It seems as if there’s tons of them. The colors are mostly blindingly bright and attention grabbing, but that’s just what makes them look less like regular trees. All of the flashy stuff makes Rue (unsurprisingly) think of Jules.

She wonders if Jules would like these trees. Jules probably would, considering they look like they came right out of Jules’ closet. Rue can’t help but imagine what it would have been like if Jules stayed. Would they be shopping for trees together? Would Jules squeal and kiss Rue’s cheek as they pick up some gaudy tree for her to set up in her house? 

Maybe. 

Everything is a great big maybe, now. It’s as if all Rue’s chances at love have been ripped away by a fucking train. It makes her so angry that all of a sudden she has the need to kick all of them down and karate-chop one right in the tinsel.

These trees are stupid. Rue decides she hates them. They get glitter everywhere and everyone knows that shit never disappears, no matter how hard you try to clean it up. It’s like sand - it’s annoying. 

And she hates sand.

Hates a lot of things.

Hates Jules.

Hates how she doesn’t mean that last part at all.

The important thing is, Rue actually prefers real trees. They usually never get one that’s particularly big, but she has fond memories of reaching into it to pop the sap bubbles on the wood with Gia. 

She also has memories of being over at Lexi’s around Christmas time. Lexi’s house has a high ceiling and her family always splurges on an extra tall tree because it makes Cassie act as merry as an elf. Rue has helped decorate it a couple times. Usually it’s just twenty minutes of Cassie running around gleefully while Rue teases Lexi for not being able to put ornaments high up, but it’s fun. Actually, most activities with Lexi or her family are fun.

Rue has the odd impulse to take out her phone and call Lexi to tell her all of this. Not just the stuff about the trees, but how thinking of her calms Rue down. It’s not a new feeling, it’s just a forgotten one. Lexi has always made her feel better, even when she’s not here - and Lexi deserves to know that.

Lexi would know that if it weren’t for Gia, who grabs Rue’s phone and shoves it into her pocket like she owns it. 

“No phones. Picking out Christmas trees is sacred.” Gia says. Rue rolls her eyes but nods and starts walking again anyways, going back to trying to find the right tree.

Rue’s mind drifts off from Lexi for awhile. Long enough that they pick out a tree and their mom leaves to go find someone to help them pick it up and tie it to the car. That doesn’t stop Rue from insisting she’s the Hulk (mostly just to make Gia laugh but also because once, when she was high, she thinks she had legitimately lifted the tree off the ground and did it all herself - and it was pretty fucking cool) and trying to pick the tree up. 

“You have to lift with your legs.” Gia comments, giggling when Rue makes an exaggerated grunting noise and makes a point of squatting down.

She basically just keeps on going with the sound effects and grabs a random branch of the tree that’s not visible to Gia, then barely pulls it. She’s not actually going to pick it up this year. Seriously, Rue hasn’t worked out in years. She’ll die.

“You aren’t strong enough for that Rue-Rue.” A familiar voice calls. 

Rue turns her head around and sees Cassie walking towards them along with Lexi, both of them coming to stand beside Gia. Rue abandons her Christmas tree quest, letting go of the branch and spinning around. 

“Yeah.” Lexi agrees. “You have noodle arms.” 

“Oh, yeah?” Rue grins - it’s full and genuine and just as surprising as the teasing tone her voice takes on as she steps towards Lexi.

“Yeah.”

Lexi’s feet are off of the ground and she’s squealing in seconds as Rue picks her up and throws Lexi over her shoulder. Honestly, Rue has no idea what she’s doing, but the sound of Lexi’s shocked laughter fills her with a special kind of glee and soon she’s running. Literally, running away with Lexi still on her shoulder. She goes between trees and is careful not to drop anyone, and only stops when she’s tired and not really sure where they are anymore. 

Rue knows that Cassie will look over Gia and inform their mom of Rue’s whereabouts (and odd actions), so she isn’t very worried.

She sets a breathless Lexi down but keeps her hands on Lexi’s waist. “Noodle arms, you say?”

Lexi wheezes out her final laugh before letting it die in her throat. They’re close enough that Rue can see and feel the cold air leaving Lexi’s lips and curling around the small space between them. She keeps her hands on Lexi, like some part of her thinks Lexi needs stabilizing - or maybe Rue does, herself. Whatever. The point is, she doesn’t move her hands.

Neither does Lexi, who has her hands on Rue’s arms over the hoodie she’s wearing. Lexi squeezes the barely-there muscle and glances around, seeming to notice something before she releases another breathless chuckle. 

“Okay.” Lexi exhales. “They’re not completely noodle arms.”

“Thank you.” Rue replies. She’s ready to let Lexi go and start walking back when she notices how Lexi keeps glancing upward a bit awkwardly.

Rue’s eyes follow Lexi’s gaze and find a string stretched above them. The string is connected to two poles on either side of the property and is there to hold up a sign advertising the Christmas trees. Apparently, it also doubles up job wise and has a tiny, green plant on it.

Mistletoe. 

Rue looks down at Lexi, at how closely they are still gripping each other. Maybe she should think twice about her decisions, but she doesn’t. She’s on this weird high at the moment, as if nothing in the world could knock her down. Plus, Lexi is straight. It’s not like it means much. She leans forward and pecks Lexi’s lips very quickly before pulling back, beaming at the girl whose skin is suddenly very pink.

“Well, you’re a good kisser.” Rue says, completely teasing. It had been about a second of lips against lips, Rue has no idea if Lexi is a good kisser or not.

Either way, she steps away. She usually doesn’t mind being around Lexi, but now the air around them feels thick and Rue’s hands itch to do something. She can’t figure out what they want exactly, so she fiddles with her own fingers as she nods back over towards where she thinks they left Gia and Cassie.

“I can do better.” Lexi replies finally, words coming a little too late.

Rue can’t help but think about how that line reminds her of something someone in those romantic movies Gia watches would say. The boy would step back up to Lexi, all charming smile and over-confidence, and would tell Lexi to prove it. Except, there’s no boys in sight and Rue doesn’t really watch those movies herself so she can’t come up with a face to meet the actions. What she can come up with is the image of herself stepping in front of Lexi, reading the boy’s cheesy line, and then kissing Lexi with one hand on the side of Lexi’s face.

She decides to keep her distance.

“I’m sure you can, Lex.” Rue agrees. “But you got it all from me. I taught you how.”

Rue walks away then, disappearing behind a tree. A second passes before Lexi gets the hint and starts walking back with her. 

“You did that for like, three seconds.” Lexi points out.

“They were a good three seconds. Very productive teaching.” She teases Lexi again (because she’s in a mood), and bumps their shoulders together before responding in a more neutral tone. “Also, you’re not into girls. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

It’s the truth. Or, it’s some part of it. Back when they had first kissed for practice, Lexi had looked so freaked out that Rue felt a bit of guilt. She knows now that Lexi doesn’t care about them kissing (Lexi isn’t even being weird right now), so she’s over it. Still, in the moment Rue had cared. She still cares about making Lexi uncomfortable, but not with this particular action.

“But I am.” Lexi admits, very quietly.

Rue hears her anyways. “But you are, what?”

“Into girls.”

“Oh.” Rue says, hating the fact that she sounds like some shocked asshole. She quickly regroups. “That’s cool.”

Maybe Rue should be saying more. Something emotional or more caring. She simply can’t get the words out - no one has ever came out to her. People at school mostly just fuck who they want to fuck and get on with it. Plus, with social media being extremely invasive, basically no one gets the chance to hide in the closet for long. Lexi is different. She’s always been different, she can move through a rumour-filled town and not be brought up once.

Rue is about to force out more words when she glances over at Lexi and sees her blatantly staring. Whatever cool thing she had thought of saying flies out the window. 

“I like girls, too.” Rue is stupid. She’s a very, very stupid teenager. 

“Oh really?.” Lexi responds, and Rue can see Lexi’s smile in the corner of her eye. “I thought you were a little boy crazy, actually.”

“Shut up.” Rue grumbles, not mad in the slightest as she nudges Lexi with her shoulder again.

It turns out they have one of those easy friendships where they can slip back into normalcy with minimal effort. 

It’s nice to have someone she can depend on outside of her family. Not that Rue’s family isn’t great, because they are, but family is family. Good relatives have the responsibility of loving you as soon as you pop out of the womb. Strangers, whether you meet them on the street or in school don’t have to put up with any of your bullshit. Lexi could push her away or scream at her and all of it would be justified, but Rue knows deep down that Lexi would never do any of those things. 

Lexi is so kind it’s almost heartbreaking. She’s like a fucking inspiration. It doesn’t matter if Maddy is out there ‘being her baddest self’ or whatever the hell that means. Lexi doesn’t have to toss chili and call someone a cunt to feel confident. She doesn’t have to take drugs to be happy. All she has to do is live and breath and be Lexi - and suddenly as all these thoughts swirl in Rue’s brain, she can’t help but stare at Lexi with a new type of awe. 

A familiar feeling settles in her gut right after that, a feeling that Rue quickly recognizes as yearning. She wants to soak up Lexi’s constant warmth and take the inspiration to be a better person. She wants to be near Lexi more. Most of all, Rue wants to stay sober, and not for Jules this time.

For Lexi. For her mom. For Gia. Fuck, maybe for herself. 

What an odd and wonderful feeling it is to be around Lexi Howard.

Somehow, they all end up at Lexi’s house. When Rue says that they all go there, she means that by the time Lexi and Rue had gotten back to Cassie and Gia their moms were already locked in conversation - this had somehow added up to gathering in separate cars to go to the same place for hot chocolate. Which is a total win, because Lexi’s mom makes the best hot chocolate. 

It’s just a little weird. Rue can’t place why, but when they all try to get on one couch together and Lexi ends up in her lap, she gets kind of shy about it. She hopes her mom and Gia don’t see even though they are sitting on either side of her and Lexi. She loves her family, but they always jump to conclusions about any girls Rue is friends with. 

If they keep this lap-sitting up for long enough then Gia will probably be telling people Rue is in love with Lexi, or some other lie close to that. Which would be totally wrong. Even just the thought of being in love with Lexi gets Rue all… weird. Her insides feel scrambled at the mere thought.

In fact, she can barely contribute to the debate over which movie they should watch.

“We could watch The Basketball Diaries or The Great Gatsby.” Cassie suggests, searching through a variety of different movies on the television.

“You just want to watch Leonardo DiCaprio movies.” Lexi comments.

“So what?” Cassie gives in and straight up just looks up the actor’s name on Netflix. “He’s super hot.”

All the girls agree, except for Rue and Lexi, who stay silent. Lexi shifts her weight on top of Rue enough that it’s noticeable and Rue smiles to herself - it’s nice to have someone there to help balance out all the constant boy-talk.

“The Wolf of Wall Street?” Gia suggests.

“No. Who showed that to you?” Their mom immediately gives them both a stern look and Rue sinks further into the couch, remembering having watched that with Gia awhile ago. “It’s super inappropriate.” 

“No one…”

A few more choices are thrown around, though Rue gets the sense that they are either going to settle on The Titanic. It’s a classic, it’s not too inappropriate for Gia, and everyone except Rue and Lexi gets to stare at their celebrity crush. Rue is fine with that. She’s just glad that no one brought up Romeo and Juliet. 

The play and the movie hadn’t meant much to her for years. It was something she had to read in middle school, and she didn’t think much of it because she didn’t really understand it at the time. Besides, back then she hadn’t understood romance or heartbreak at all. Jules had taught her about both of those things - it was simply ironic that at one point she had done it while swimming around in a Juliet costume, quoting Shakespeare.

Whatever. It didn’t matter. 

She sits up and tries to forget her thoughts as she hears the familiar opening of The Titanic playing. Rue knew the music to the beginning all too well, and apparently so did Lexi because she was humming along very quietly. Rue wouldn’t have heard it if they weren’t so close together. 

As the movie goes on, Rue wraps her arms around Lexi’s waist (she’s had them uncomfortably bunched up on her own chest to keep herself from touching Lexi, but in the end her need for comfort always wins) and pulls Lexi backwards until her front presses to Lexi’s back. Lexi makes a little noise but doesn’t say anything as Rue rests her chin on Lexi’s shoulder to see better.

“I still think they could have tried harder to get them both on the raft.” Rue whispers. She knows she’s not disturbing Lexi because they’ve both probably seen this a hundred times. 

Lexi keeps her head facing the screen but replies equally as quietly. “Well, that’s not nearly as dramatic is it? Death is this movie’s style.”

Rue is about to respond when she hears someone knocking at the door. No one makes a move to get it, except for Lexi who stands up like doing everything her family won’t is her job. It makes Rue feel tired. Tired enough that she decides she needs more hot chocolate so the sugar will boost her energy.

She stands up and gestures for Lexi to sit down. “I’ve got it. I’m going to get more hot chocolate anyways.”

“Oh.” It pains Rue a little to see how surprised Lexi looks when receiving basic kindness from her. 

“Do you want another cup?” Rue asks. 

“Yeah. Thanks, Rue.”

The smile Lexi gives Rue is soft enough that Rue decides right then and there she’s going to double the amount of marshmallows in Lexi’s hot chocolate just to see it again. It’s an incredibly cute smile. Rue would tell her that, but Lexi is sitting down, Rue is pretty sure that she’s blocking the view, and again - someone is knocking.

At this point, people should know that Rue is an unreliable narrator. She thinks that her narration skills have gotten better since she got sober and her mind got clearer, but this part is hazy. All she can be sure of is that these three things all happen in about a minute. 

One, Rue opens the door. 

Two, Rue passes out and hits her head on the floor pretty fucking hard. 

Three, Jules waves awkwardly at everyone from where she’s standing in the doorway.

How did Rue say she’d go down again? With style, some music, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do y’all think tops and who bottoms in Rexi (is that what we’re all calling it?), I need to know for... last chapter purposes


	4. Friends Are Guilty Pleasures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took me a bit, but here it is
> 
> TW: Brief description of vomiting

Rue wakes up to an odd sight.

Almost every single person who cares about her is hovering over her. Her mom, Gia, Cassie, Lexi’s mom, Lexi, and Jules. Everyone. All they’re missing is Fez, but Rue is sure that if he could he would be here, calmly passing ice packs around.

Speaking of ice packs, there are a shit ton of them. More than are necessary. Passing out is similar to drugs for Rue in the sense that she’s done the activity a lot, but no one wants to hear the details of it. If her tongue didn’t feel so heavy in her mouth she could tell them that all she needs is half a bottle of cold water, exactly five ice cubes, and three Advil pills to dull the pain. Instead Lexi is pressing a damp towel to her forehead while someone else adjusts an ice pack under her head, while her mom and Gia press more of the packs to the sides of her head. 

It’s a lot of unnecessary ice, but Rue gets the sense if she were to brush them off and inform them that she’s used to this type of this pain then the situation would just get worse.

So, she blinks at them. What the fuck else is she supposed to do? Her head is still throbbing and if she pretends talking is hard at the moment then she doesn’t have to do any of it - and avoidance is so, so sweet.

Especially with Jules here.

“She’s awake.” Lexi points out.

Suddenly, it feels as if a thousand people are speaking at once. Jules is swearing quietly, mostly to herself, about how they should check for blood. Cassie and her mom still think they need to go to the hospital. Rue’s mom is just repeating Rue’s name over and over. Gia is saying something, but it’s so quiet that Rue can’t pick up anything other than nearly silent mumbling. 

Lexi’s voice is loud and clear. “We should give her some space.” 

Thank god. That’s exactly what Rue needs. 

Rue shifts around on the couch a bit, ready to thank Lexi for the suggestion and grab her hand. The group clearly does not share the same thought process as Rue. Lexi and Cassie make weird eye contact with Gia, which leads almost all the teens to make equally weird eye contact with the adults, and then they’re all slowly filing out of the living room. Well, not all of them. Jules is still there, makeup so bright that it almost feels as if a flashlight is being shined directly into Rue’s eyes.

“Hey.” Jules seems to force out the single word, replacing where Lexi’s hand had been and pressing her palm over the wet towel. The fabric sits heavily against Rue’s forehead and she takes in a deep breath, feeling suddenly stifled.

Despite all of that weirdness (it’s an odd feeling, one that Rue has never associated with Jules before), she sits up. “Hey. What’s up?”

It’s the simplest greeting Rue can come up with. Whatever. Everyone already knows she’s a dumbass, and Jules is no exception. 

Jules plants herself on the couch. Anyone who meets Rue would probably be able to tell that she’s already taller than the average height for an adult male and therefore, you could make the assumption that Rue can completely take up an entire couch. Which is what she’s doing right now. Her legs are stretched out far enough that her feet hang off the edge and the top of her head doesn’t get a proper place to rest. This also means that Jules is casually half-sitting against Rue’s thigh, and also upping the closeness by resting her hand on Rue’s stomach.

“The city wasn’t for me.” That's all Jules says for a moment, but it’s all she really has to say. ‘Anna didn’t want me, but last time I checked Rue does so here I am’. Rue gets the message, but Jules kills the brief silence and goes on. “I missed you. Plus, my dad was kind of freaking out. Seems like everyone needs to calm down around here.”

It’s said so fucking casually. It’s also a dumb thing to say. Of course her dad would freak out about his teenage daughter running away. Of course Rue would pass out, she’s Rue - she has problems, things happen, she’s dramatic even when she doesn’t want to be. And everyone else? They have a right to do whatever they want, especially with everything that’s been happening over the last couple years.

All of this bubbles up Rue’s throat and settles in her mouth. She’s ready to actually push the words out and say them to Jules when Jules abruptly moves her wrist and the words fizzle out.

Jules sneaks her hand up Rue’s shirt, first her fingers then her palm. It’s a barely there touch. Jules doesn’t even look down when she does it. She’s not trying to tease, she just does these things mindlessly - without thought, without a care. 

“Did you miss me?” Jules asks quietly.

Yes.

Yes, so much, and then sometimes not at all. Sometimes it was just a dull ache because Rue would be out with Gia or Lexi or watching a movie with Cassie and her problems would shrink a little. They never disappeared (they never truly would, her genetics were fucked), but sometimes they were weak. Sometimes Rue was better. 

Rue feels a little sick, and for the first time since she met Jules she wishes that Jules would stop touching her.

“I can’t.” Rue sits up fully, quick enough that Jules startles and stands up, too. 

“Rue?” Jules says, confused. “Rue, wait.”

(It’s possibly the second time Rue doesn’t do something that Jules tells her to).

Rue gets up off the couch in a rush and stumbles to the bathroom on instinct. Her throat is burning and her feet definitely can’t move fast enough. She can taste everything she’s swallowed in the last day crawling up her throat, the taste incredibly sour on the back of her tongue. Warm liquid is suddenly filling her mouth, disgustingly different from her own salvia, and she shuts the door as fast as possible before falling to her knees and letting it flood out of her. 

She feels terrible for a solid minute. Overall, it’s going to be a good feeling. Her body is tense and vile inside, and once everything is dumped out Rue knows she’ll be able to bask in the blatant emptiness for at least a few seconds. At the moment, there are tears building in her eyes and low noises leaving her mouth as the moment continues. She’s embarrassed for throwing up, for falling, and for eventually letting the tears fall. Which is why she’s in a cunty mood when someone knocks on the door.

“Rue?” The voice is gentle. Concerned, in an overly sweet way. It’s Lexi. “Jules told me you were in here.” 

“Leave me alone.” Rue groans, speaking into the toilet. She’s so fucking pathetic. 

The door opens anyways. Lexi never fucking listens, honestly. It makes Rue want to hit her. Not actually hit her, but maybe throw a pillow at her face one day. Some type of punishment that would make Lexi learn her lesson - don’t love dumbass drug addicts who will never get their shit together. Rue isn’t even strong enough to hold herself up. She doesn’t deserve friends.

She doesn’t deserve Lexi. 

Rue gathers herself enough to force out another sentence. “Fuck off.” 

“No.” 

The door closes again and the quiet sound of Lexi slowly dropping to her knees fills the bathroom. Rue tries to lift her head but ends up leaning further into the toilet, emptying her stomach again. She makes the grossest fucking noise ever and burns with shame as her cheeks heat in specific places and her eyes sting, a clear sign of tears. 

“Why can’t you take the hint?” Rue hisses, forcing malice into her voice. “I don’t want your help. I want you to leave me the fuck alone.”

There’s a pause. Not a long one, but it’s long enough that Rue’s stomach tightens and her heart drops just a bit because here she goes again - she’s gonna hurt Lexi for a hundredth time.

She used to yell at Lexi as if Lexi didn’t have any feelings. In the past, Rue thought of Lexi as this impenetrable board for Rue to bounce her anger off of. Now she sees how the sharpness of her words pierce through Lexi’s skin like a knife, and she hates it. Hates herself for ever making Lexi bleed at all.

“This is my house, Rue. I’m not holding you captive. So don’t be a dick, because I want you here and you want to be here.” Lexi’s palm slides along Rue’s back and gently begins to rub the tense muscles there while Rue uncontrollably dry-heaves.

Rue is surprised by the steadiness of Lexi’s voice, but she likes it. It feels good. Solid. The three words spin in her head - ‘I want you’ - said so simply, as if Lexi wanting Rue is as easy for Lexi as breathing. Rue focuses on those words and slowly pieces herself together enough to be able to wipe her mouth and sit up. She looks Lexi in the eyes for a second, but it feels much too intimate, and so Rue does something she’s never willingly done with someone other than her mom.

She leans forward into Lexi’s chest and rests the majority of her weight there, then starts sobbing.

Sure, she turns her face so she can muffle the noises with Lexi’s clothing, but Rue still does it. Every sound she’s making is still audible. Every little cry is curling in the air, leaving Rue vulnerable and bare. Lexi runs her hand along Rue’s back, up and down, in one steady motion. It’s calming - stable. Rue would thank her for it if it wasn’t for the crying. 

They stay there for a couple more minutes until Rue can calm herself down. Eventually the tiny sobs disappear and so do the sniffles, and then Rue is just curled up in Lexi’s arms. This should all be weird. Not because they’re cuddling on a bathroom floor and Rue was just crying, but because Rue is much too tall to fold herself into a ball and crawl into someone’s lap, but what is she doing now? Sitting in Lexi Howard’s lap. That’s what.

“Rue?” Lexi questions. “Do you feel better?”

Rue sucks in a shaky breath but nods.

“It’s okay, honey.” The name is so fond and the words are said so softly that Rue wants to cry all over again. “Jules left, by the way.”

Fuck. What is wrong with her? Lexi makes her feel so… open.

Lexi’s thumb traces Rue’s jaw, along the straight line of it until her thumb gets near Rue’s ear. Rue leans into the touch despite herself, seeking out comfort the way a dog chases a bone. Lexi repeats the action a couple times with a thoughtful look on her face, as if she is thinking about doing something.

Rue is going to question her about it, but a beat passes and then Lexi is moving forward a bit. Lexi kisses her left cheek, then her right cheek, followed by her forehead, and her chin. It’s such a small, little action. Something that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else but Rue. This isn’t anyone else though, so Rue’s heart swells without her permission and suddenly all she can think about is that Lexi remembered. Lexi always remembers the small things and the big. 

Lexi cares.

Lexi loves her.

“You smell super gross.” Lexi mutters and it makes Rue laugh.

It also makes her wish that she could do something for Lexi to repay her. Rue wants to make sure that Lexi knows she’s also loved, but Rue doesn’t know how to do that type of shit. She can’t even be bothered to flush her own vomit. Would Lexi want a gift? A song? A poem? 

“How can I repay you?” Rue asks, hating how hoarse her voice sounds but pushing the words out anyways.

Lexi’s fingers flex and dig deeper into Rue’s back. “You don’t need to-“

“Please.” 

Thankfully, Lexi seems to pick up on Rue’s desperation.

“I don’t know.” Lexi says, genuinely. “Let me think about it.”

“Okay.” Rue curls up closer to Lexi. She arranged her head so her ear is pressed right up near Lexi’s heart, and then keeps it there. The steady rhythm is soothing, and so is the way Lexi’s fingers start to knead into Rue’s back as if Lexi is trying to coax something out from Rue’s skin. 

Everything is in this perfect pattern for a bit. Lexi’s heartbeat and Rue’s breathing align, while Lexi continues to drag her fingers along Rue’s spine. Lexi’s fingertips press so perfectly into Rue’s back that Rue can’t help but release a tiny moan. She used to totally judge those people who moan during massages (because what the fuck, keep it in your pants), but she sees how it happens now.

Still, Rue is a little embarrassed, so she sits up and looks Lexi in the eyes. “Did you pick something?”

Lexi shakes her head. Her face is very red for some reason, everything from her forehead to her chin painted crimson. Rue raises her eyebrows and tilts her head, thinking about something.

“It’s just a moan, Lex.” Rue says, eventually. She can’t help but smile when Lexi’s mouth falls open and she clearly tries overly hard to close it. “Does sexy shit still get you all blushy?”

When they were younger, any mention of any sexual act would make Lexi red as a tomato. Rue never really enjoyed kissing boys or giving blowjobs - being a lesbian will do that to you - but she did enjoy coming to visit Lexi and telling her what she’d done to see Lexi squirm. It was cruel, but kind of funny, too. Besides, each time Rue did it the whole ordeal would end with Lexi hitting Rue with a pillow before they’d both giggle and decide that boys are gross.

(They always spoke about boys as if dating them would be a necessary evil. Maybe they both should have realized their sexualities sooner, but oh well. Fuck it. Too late, now.)

“No.” Lexi protests weakly.

Rue grins deviously. Pretty sure that her voice is back in shape, Rue leans forward and gets as close to Lexi’s ear as she can without actually touching the skin. She releases a truly pornographic moan and Lexi squeezes Rue’s back so hard that it stings like a bitch, but it’s worth it.

“Our families are outside.” Lexi squeaks. “What if they think we’re doing… things?”

“They won’t.” Rue shrugs.

“Why not?”

Rue gives Lexi a look, like it’s obvious - and it is to Rue. “Because we’d never fuck.” 

Even though Rue doesn’t understand anything that’s happening all of a sudden, Lexi looks a little hurt and there’s guilt swirling in the pit of Rue’s stomach. Why? Why would Lexi look hurt? Why would guilt decide to eat her insides and start some type of pain orgy in her stomach?

Lexi releases Rue and stands up abruptly - and yeah, okay, what the fuck? 

Rue gets up to her feet, too. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” Lexi responds in a tone that means it clearly isn’t nothing. She reaches over and flushes the toilet for Rue, then wastes no time in opening the door for herself. It looks as if Lexi is going to run out of there, but instead she pauses at the door. “Hiking.”

“Hiking?” Rue asks, confused.

“You’re going to go hiking with me because you want to repay me.”

“I- uh.” What the hell is Rue supposed to say to that? “Okay.”

Even though it’s forbidden (well, not actually forbidden, just frowned upon in the Great Book of Rue and Friendship), Rue thinks of having sex with Lexi that night. Not, like, actually doing it. Sure, they end up sleeping in the same bed which means they end up cuddling, but Rue isn’t actually considering screwing Lexi. She thinks about it in the way people think about standing up and dancing in the middle of class or winning prom queen. It’s completely possible, but most people aren’t going to actually go for it. 

It’s just this thought that pops up late at night when Lexi is asleep and Rue is still half-awake. Well, awake enough for her hormonal teenager mind to work the idea up, but still sleepy enough for her not to fight her thoughts. 

She only gets a brief flash of it - of what it would be like to be half-naked and stumbling towards a bed with Lexi - but it makes her warm everywhere. Rue decides to label the warmth as guilt, even though she knows that’s not the emotion she’s feeling. Like she said, anything other than guilt in this situation is unspokenly forbidden. 

You’re not supposed to let the thought of sex with your best friend cross your mind. So, Rue shuts her eyes and silences her thoughts.

-

Rue wants to die. 

“Oh my god.” Rue gasps, clutching her chest as they finally stop to take a quick break. “We’ve walked like a thousand miles.”

Lexi glances down at an app on her phone. “It’s been two miles.” 

Maybe the differences in their breathing comes from Rue’s drug and cereal addiction, and the fact that Lexi actually eats fruit and exercises. Whatever. All Rue knows is that hiking is a torturous hobby and that Lexi is probably a masochist.

“Come on.” Lexi says, even though Rue’s lungs are burning like she’s on fucking fire. “There’s only half a mile left to the waterfall.”

“Carry me.”

Lexi grins and nudges Rue’s leg with her foot. “You’re 5’10, so no way.”

Rue suddenly wishes she had the ability to shrink, but she forces her long limbs up and starts walking anyways. Honestly, the last half mile isn’t that bad. It doesn’t feel as long. That could be because a minute after they start walking again Rue can hear the quiet sound of water running and only moments after that they’re stepping on slippery rocks to get across a stream.

“You know, if I fall and break my neck then it’s your fault.” Rue points out, genuinely worrying about slipping. It’s a weird feeling. 

She always felt like she was on the verge of death. Rue spent a good portion of her life in a hospital bed, so the feeling was understandable. The odd part was, for most of her life she didn’t really care whether she lived or died. She just wanted to have sex with a girl before death came, that was the only thing on her bucket list. 

“You’re not going to fall.” Lexi replies, but it isn’t very convincing because she reaches back to hold Rue’s hand a second later. 

Lexi is in front, so she gets to dry land (well, damp land on the side of the stream) first. She doesn’t release Rue’s hand once she’s there, instead she turns and helps Rue step over a particularly slippery rock. Helping includes putting her hands on Rue’s waist and lifting her just a bit, enough that Rue does end up accidentally slipping. She doesn’t fall onto a rock or into a stream like she predicted. She falls into Lexi’s arms - and how fucking cliche is that?

“I thought you couldn’t carry me.” Rue grumbles and gently bumps her forehead into Lexi’s. “Liar.”

They’re close. Just for a moment. Rue only notices because the lack of sweat on Lexi’s skin is indirectly mocking her, plus she has never made eye contact with someone while being this close to their face before. In that moment they’re breathing the same air, but then Lexi pulls away as if she’s been burned and leaves Rue to stumble after her.

Is Lexi always this… jumpy?

“The waterfall is just over here.” Her voice is oddly quiet, but it’s still loud enough for Rue to hear it over the sounds of the water. “We can go at a snail’s pace if you want, I wouldn’t want you passing out before we get there.”

“Hey! I…” Rue trails off when she finally catches sight of the waterfall.

Not to be super sappy or anything, because everyone knows those people are annoying, but the view is breathtaking. Actually breathtaking. Rue isn’t totally sure if it’s because of all the walking or not, but her breath catches in her throat. All of a sudden she’s standing there and staring dumbly at the water like the drops are diamonds. 

It’s a small clearing, away from the beaten path that everyone walks along, and the water looks so clean that it’s pretty much perfectly clear. 

“Fuck.” Rue breathes.

Lexi laughs beside her. “Yeah, that about sums it up.”

“Can you swim in here?” Rue asks, gesturing towards the pool of water under the waterfall. She can’t tell how deep it is just by looking at it, but she assumes that Lexi would know. 

“I think.” 

The only logical thing for Rue to do is start taking off her clothes. She wants to swim, but she also doesn’t want her flannel (okay, so she’s a lesbian stereotype) to get wet. It makes perfect sense, so Rue has no idea why Lexi is staring at her with the most bewildered expression in the world.

“What?” Rue prompts.

“Why are you stripping?” 

“I’m not stripping. If I were stripping then I would be doing this.” Rue does this awkward little grinding motion that includes fist pumping. It makes Lexi look away, eyes on the ground as Rue briefly dances. “I’m just going to swim, Lex.”

She gets down to her underwear and then pauses. On one hand, Rue doesn’t really want to walk back with soggy underwear on under her clothes. On the other hand, they are still technically in public and something about the vibe Lexi is giving off makes Rue feel more inclined to keep some fabric on. In the end, Rue tosses her sports bra away and gets in the water.

She’s still technically clothed. Compromise is key.

The water is warmer than expected and (after she takes a few more steps) much deeper than Rue could have anticipated. It’s still not deep enough for the water to come over her head, but the bottom of her mouth bobs in and out of the water as she swims. She hasn’t done this in so long, especially more than half-naked, and the water feels so good that she almost forgets that Lexi is still standing on dry land.

“Lexi!” Rue calls. “Come swim with me!” 

This time, Lexi is too quiet for Rue to hear her answer, but Rue sees Lexi’s mouth fall open and closed in an awkward motion twice before Lexi bends down to untie her shoe. 

In the meantime, Rue dunks her own head under the water and stays submerged for a bit before raising her head. She’s glad that the water is clear enough that she can see the bottom, because staring into the darkness would scare the shit out of her. 

Rue spends another minute repeating this whole action (making her eyes sting in the process) until she gets too impatient, wanting to swim under the waterfall but also wanting to do it with Lexi. Lexi, who is apparently the world’s slowest changer. 

Rue looks back over at where Lexi is standing, catching sight of Lexi slowly making her way into the water in her underwear. 

Just her underwear.

Why? Because Rue is a dumbass and explicitly said ‘Lexi, come swim with me’, which translates to ‘Lexi, strip off all of your clothes and come over here to give me gay panic’. 

Rue sighs, submerging herself in the water and shutting her eyes so the world leaves her alone for once.

Her hormones are really fucking screwing her over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I think it’s really funny that no one in the last chapter’s comment section agrees on the top/bottom debate
> 
> Listennn compromise is key, we’re gonna make them versatile for this fic


	5. Deus Ex Machina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t had time to respond to all the comments, but I love all of them and I swear I’ll get to responding as soon as I have time

For a moment, as Rue is holding her breath under the water, she gets a sudden, but reassuring feeling. 

Things are going to be okay.

Even if it’s Christmas Eve already and it seems as if she has a thousand things to do after this. She needs to make a trip to the 99 cents store for presents - and she’s aware now that she has to buy one for everyone in the Howard family - and help her mom with pre-cooking dinner, then Gia with all the decorating. Jules also texted her earlier (a vague ‘come over around noon’ that nearly made Rue panic) and she has to deal with that whole situation. Then there’s Lexi, at the very top of her to-do list, whose blurry figure is currently swimming towards Rue.

Rue raises her head out of the water and wipes at her eyes quickly, taking in a deep breath before she blinks away the stinging in her eyes. Lexi is a lot less blurry the second time Rue looks at her. Though, Rue isn’t sure if she wants to have completely clear vision when she finally does see Lexi. There’s just something about girls when they’re wet that makes them so irresistible. Not even sexually, just… their hair gets a little darker, eyes a little brighter, and their lips are so inviting and red and all-around overwhelming.

Rue dunks her own head under the water once more. 

She resurfaces to see a giggling Lexi, closer this time, and suddenly Lexi is saying something that can’t be heard over the roar of the waterfall. It doesn’t matter, because the intent behind the words is made clear seconds later when Lexi seeks out Rue’s hand underwater. 

Lexi starts to pull her closer and closer to the waterfall. Rue finds it a little funny how much effort it takes Lexi to do this, because while Lexi is purely swimming, Rue has her feet on the bottom of the lake’s floor. Either way, Lexi manages to tug Rue over to the waterfall and then through the water, to the other side where there seems to be a secret cave. 

It’s barely a cave, actually. It’s just big enough for maybe five people to fit in there, but it can obviously shield them both from the relentless stream of falling water. Lexi hops up on the damp rock with ease and crawls halfway into the cave, then looks back at Rue expectantly. Rue follows with a lot less confidence then Lexi, but it’s fine because Lexi offers her hand and helps her up - albeit very, very carefully, so careful that it becomes apparent Lexi is making a conscious effort not to touch Rue anywhere but on her hand.

“Isn’t this cool?” Lexi asks, dipping her feet in and out of the water. 

Rue glances over Lexi’s body almost helplessly. The action comes with a healthy shot of guilt. Lexi just looks so soft everywhere. Rue would often compare her own body to a stretched out piece of taffy, but Lexi’s body has curves, the type that make Rue immediately want to reach out and touch - which is a dumb, dumb idea. 

“Yeah.” Rue answers Lexi’s question through a slightly strangled breath. 

What’s annoying is, Rue doesn’t even have a crush on Lexi. There’s no desire to get married or cook pasta in her underwear with Lexi. All she wants to do is get off - and it’s an irritating, very present part of puberty that she loathes.

Besides, what would dating Lexi even be like? Waking up in the morning to another person set firmly at her side, an arm wrapped around her waist and warm breath at her neck? Having someone to drive her to NA meetings and offer endless support? Laughing until her stomach hurts everyday and forever? Gentle kisses turned heated and always having someone to satisfy her insane cuddling urges?

Happiness? 

As if Rue could achieve (or deserve) any of that.

“So, how’d you find this place?” Rue prompts, after a moment of staring at the curtain of water in front of them.

There’s a bit of hesitation before Lexi’s answer comes. “My dad used to take Cassie and I here.”

“Oh.” 

Great, now Rue has made it slightly awkward while using that pitiful ‘oh’ that she’s heard countless people use whenever Rue brings up her dad. She doesn’t want to be like those other people though, because frankly all the ‘ohs’ she had received always made her feel like shit. 

So, Rue tries again. “That’s cool. It’s like a little, private hideaway. Cool.”

It isn’t the best response - she used the word ‘cool’ a lot more than she wanted to - but a smile starts to slip onto Lexi’s mouth, so that’s enough for Rue. 

While she is busy staring over at Lexi’s small smile, the implications of what they just said settle in. Lexi’s dad took her here. Lexi took Rue here. A little, private hideaway. All of this probably means something, like this cave is a hidden part of Lexi’s soul and she has just let Rue unknowingly climb into it.

Maybe she’s being dramatic, yet something about the way Lexi looks at her tells her that she’s not.

This thick tension settles over them, all of a sudden. (Though, maybe it isn’t sudden at all. Maybe it’s been building for months and months or years, and Rue is just noticing it now because it’s so blatant). Lexi’s eyes are all over Rue’s face, on her forehead and her nose and her lips. It makes Rue feel vulnerable, and she realizes in that moment that she’s still topless and brings her knees up to her chest.

The action must startle Lexi - or at least, startle her eyes - because she looks away quickly and doesn’t glance back.

“I have, uh, stuff to do.” Rue forces out, her heart hammering hard in her chest - she’s wondering what the hell she would have done if Lexi hadn’t looked away. “Christmas stuff. You know, shopping and decorations. And, like, Gia always wants to hangout around the holidays, so.”

“Shopping? It’s Christmas Eve.” Lexi points out.

Rue shrugs and gives her a sheepish smile. “I’ve been busy.” 

Lexi nudges her arm and rolls her eyes good-naturedly, so the tension disappears and they both slip back into the water to go home.

The second thing on Rue’s list is to see Jules. It’s funny, because it feels as if that’s held the number one slot for a long time now. 

Rue gets there around noon, as instructed, and is a bit surprised when she finds an RV parked outside of their house. She figures that it belongs to one of Jules’ neighbors, but she’s proved wrong when she walks up the driveway, gets to the porch, and is almost immediately run into by someone carrying several bags. 

That person turns out to be Jules’ dad, who seems too busy to greet her and continues on down the driveway without so much as a hello. Jules comes to the doorway seconds later, only carrying one bag but also looking as if she’s clearly in a rush. 

“Oh.” Jules pauses and sets down the bag. “Hey, Rue. You came.”

“You asked me to.” 

Jules nods. “Yeah, I did. I just wasn’t sure if you were coming. I heard you’re mostly with Lexi these days.”

Something about the way Jules phrases that sentence makes Rue feel guilty, even though she has absolutely nothing to be guilty for. Okay, well, maybe the whole ‘checking out Lexi multiple times’ thing isn't something to be proud of, but there’s no way Jules knows about that. Either way, Rue feels the need to change the subject.

“Are you guys leaving?” Rue asks, looking behind her at Jules’ dad, who is loading their bags into the RV. 

“Yeah.” Jules sounds a bit annoyed with the whole thing. “My dad thinks we need some father-daughter bonding, so we’re going camping until school starts up. It’s lame, but I just have to go with it, you know?”

Rue nods, but she doesn’t know. She yearns to go on a camping trip in a nice RV with her dad. She would settle for doing anything at all with her dad, really. Of course, Jules wouldn’t know that.

Lexi would.

“Look, Rue.” Jules rests a hand on Rue’s shoulder. Surprisingly, the action just makes Rue feel stifled instead of excited. “I think we should put our… thing, on pause until I get back. Okay?”

“Okay.” Rue nods again, but she doesn’t really think that there’s a pause button. 

If there is a pause button, then Rue and Jules just aren’t destined to hit it. Jules should have never left at all, because when she left she didn’t hit that pause button, and in her absence Rue went ahead and changed. She’s not the same as she was when Jules initially left her. Hell, she’s run over someone now. She feels like she has grown an entirely new skin - and that’s the thing about skin, it’s visible.

Visible enough that Rue is sure Jules can see it, that Jules doesn’t believe that there is a pause button either. There is only the start and the end, and she thinks that they’re both letting their hands linger near the end button.

The walk to the 99 cents store isn’t that long, but it feels like it since Rue has already gone hiking and walked to Jules’ house. Seriously, Rue’s stretched-out taffy body was not made for this much walking. By the time they reach the store, Gia is teasing her about her heavy breathing and making jokes about how Rue is going to get fat when she’s older. Which is probably true. The only thing that keeps Rue skinny at this point is her mom limiting her cereal intake and her metabolism.

“Whatever.” Rue grumbles to Gia anyways, because they’re siblings and she’s not supposed to agree with her sister on an insult. 

“How have you not bought presents already?” Gia asks, following her older sister inside once Rue pushes the door open. “Even I bought presents already. Besides, there’s no good gifts here.”

Rue rolls her eyes. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

Movie quotes aside, Rue will find something for everyone. She already got Gia a gift card to Old Navy - one that she found in her room, probably given to her by some relative - and now she just needs to find things for her mom, Lexi, and Lexi’s family.

It’s sort of easy, as Rue predicted. She picks up some perfume for the moms and an insanely large box of pancake mix for Cassie, then spends a ridiculously long amount of time looking for something for Lexi. It’s as if nothing here is good enough for Lexi. She deserves the world, and Rue is pretty sure that she’s not going to find that in a dollar store. Not to say that stops Rue from searching every aisle like a mad woman, until she comes across someone that she definitely didn’t want to find at all.

“Hey, Rue.” Nate’s smile is as fake and charming as ever. He’s just as she has always known him, an asshole hiding behind a handsome face and some muscles. 

Rue knows how to play along. “Hey, Nate. Doing some Christmas shopping?” 

“No.”

She wants this to be the end of the interaction. Frankly, Nate should be one to get his shit and leave. There’s no reason he would need to be here, especially with how much money his family has. Rue is sure he can afford to buy expensive Christmas gifts. No one would ever expect to see Nate here of all places, unless he’s stalking Rue - in which case, that’s utterly terrifying. 

Of course, Nate keeps on speaking. “Actually, I was just going to donate to some local charities. Thought I’d pick up snacks for the drive there.”

Rue very much doubts that he donates to charity in his free time, but she nods anyways. She just hopes that he leaves before Gia gets into this aisle, because she doesn’t want her little sister anywhere near this asshole. 

He lingers around anyways, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and taking out a stack of dollars. Nate folds them silently and eventually sets the neat stack into Rue’s hand, then flashes a smile that is all teeth and pure evil. “Here. For charity.”

Rue gets that this is an insult and she should want to hit him the face - don’t get her wrong, her fist is clenched and the urge is most definitely there - but also… it’s free money. So, she bites her tongue and loses a bit of her pride as Nate walks out of the store. 

Once he’s gone, Gia appears, and Rue forces her frown into a big grin.

She waves the cash in the air. “Let’s go get Lexi a gift.”

“You want to come over and help with decorations?” Rue asks through the phone, pulling sweatpants up to her waist as she awaits Lexi’s answer.

Her mom and Gia are in the other room absolutely losing their shit over decorating the tree and the rest of their house. Before Rue broke away to go change, Gia had been unpacking colorful ornaments while her mom dug in a bag for some mistletoe to hang (her mom liked to keep the tradition of hanging it, just to embarrass her children by excessively kissing them on the cheek the entire holiday). 

Rue doesn’t want to take Lexi away from any of the Howard family Christmas Eve traditions, especially since they already saw each other this morning, but Rue’s family is a tad hectic and Lexi told her that Cassie is dealing with most of the work. 

“Sure.” Lexi replies and Rue grins at the wall in front of her like a fucking weirdo. “I’ll be over in ten minutes, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Lex.”

The sound of a door opening and closing can be heard on Lexi’s line. “Bye, Rue. Love you.”

Lexi hangs up directly after that, leaving Rue with her mouth partly open and the responding words dead in her throat. She was going to say it back. Which is so very odd, because she’s never been the type to end a call with ‘bye, love you’ unless it’s someone from her family. No one has made her feel comfortable enough to say it so casually, but it’s Lexi and Rue had barely thought about the reply.

Winter break was honestly making her act so weird.

Rue sighs and steps out of her room, sliding her phone into her pocket. She wants to take a shower, but there’s no time now. Gia grabs her wrist almost immediately and drags her further into the living room, towards their couch.

“Did I just hear Lexi is coming over?” Gia questions and goes on before Rue gets the chance to respond. “Rue! Her present is literally right here.”

“It’s wrapped.” Rue protests, gesturing towards the small box resting on one of the cushions. Gia groans like Rue knows nothing about life at all (Gia had pointed out Rue’s lack of knowledge earlier, too, when they’d been buying Lexi’s present).

“At least go put it into your room.”

Rue obeys, partly because she likes her room more than any other room in the house, but also partly because Gia seems oddly wise these days. She sets the box down in her room on the nightstand and stares at it for a moment while she’s in there, hoping that it’s a good enough gift. Gia starts calling her, so Rue sighs and goes back out into the living room. 

They get about a quarter of the tree decorated while their mom finds and hangs the mistletoe. By the time all three of them are working on the tree, someone knocks on the door and Rue goes to open it. 

No surprise, it’s Lexi. 

Surprise, Lexi looks the cutest she ever has before. 

Lexi is wearing a green and red Christmas sweater that looks one size too big for her. It falls down around her thighs and is probably the ugliest thing Rue has ever seen, but it reminds Rue of how small Lexi is. She looks like a little elf. It makes her want to reach out and hug Lexi, but instead she holds back and instead runs her fingers along Lexi’s collar.

“You look like you work for Santa.” Rue comments, but it’s said fondly. Lexi doesn’t even try to swat Rue’s hand away, she just wrinkles her nose as if she were an adorable rabbit.

“Fuck off.” Lexi replies, voice so soft that Rue can’t help herself and she steps forward. She pulls Lexi into a hug, placing three kisses along the top of Lexi’s head. 

It’s an impulsive move, but she feels Lexi immediately relax into the embrace. Rue relaxes, too. It’s an odd, small detail - something Rue is just noticing now - but she feels more at peace in Lexi’s arms then she does anywhere else. The world just kind of fades away, makes her feel as if there is nothing but her, Lexi, and Lexi’s ugly Christmas sweater. 

Until the hug gets too long and Rue steps away to avoid awkwardness. 

“Come in.” 

Rue steps back far enough that Lexi can join them. They get to work pretty quickly. Rue and Lexi pair up while her mom and Gia do the same, both groups swapping between setting up decorations and helping with the dinner. This routine works out fine for awhile. They’re mostly done when the ‘helping with dinner’ turns into a food fight that leaves both Rue and Lexi covered in sugar from the cookies they were supposed to be making. 

Gia simply rolls her eyes and tells them to go wash themselves and change clothes, so Rue and Lexi end up going into the bathroom together. 

The moment Gia is gone, Rue climbs into the bathtub and slumps down in there. She stretches her limbs out inside the tub and allows her head to fall against it, briefly shutting her eyes. Rue doesn’t do it for too long, because she knows that she will fall asleep if she does so. Plus, Lexi is still awkwardly standing near the tub with an expectant expression (and sugar) on her face.

“What are you doing?” Lexi asks. She goes to the sink and leans down, splashing water onto her face until it’s clean.

Rue forces her eyes open, watching Lexi repeat the action over and over again. “I’m tired.”

“Oh ya?” Lexi teases. She leaves the sink and comes near the bathtub again without drying her face, lingering near the edge of it. “Those couple miles really wore you out, huh?” 

Rue smiles a bit at the teasing and then reaches out to gently tug Lexi’s arm until Lexi gets the hint and joins her in the tub. It’s a tight fit, but they end up with Lexi between Rue’s legs while they both face the same direction. Rue wraps her arms around Lexi, because she really has no where else to put her arms and the warmth of Lexi’s body is already inviting.

“This is surprisingly nice.” Lexi admits, leaning further back into Rue.

“Why surprisingly?”

Lexi makes a little amused noise. “Not everyone hangs out in their bathtub for fun, Rue.”

They sit there for awhile, until Rue’s neck starts to ache a bit and she decides to rest her chin on Lexi’s shoulder. It’s a complete accident (though sometimes, Rue can’t trust her subconscious) but Rue tilts her head to find a more comfortable position and bumps her lips against Lexi’s neck in the process.

As if on cue, Lexi sits up and starts to look around wildly. Her arms are already braced on the side of the tub, legs ready to assist in pushing her up and away from Rue. 

This time, Rue is not having any of that. She grips Lexi’s shoulder and tugs her back firmly, but this time Lexi faces her when she sits. It’s clearly some sort of power move - Rue is suddenly very nervous, but she has anxiety so what else is new - but Rue isn’t sure how it is.

Lexi is looking at her expectantly, so Rue speaks first. “Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?” Lexi asks, avoiding eye contact.

“That.” Rue clarifies. She reaches out and gently nudges Lexi’s chin up so they make eye contact, then leaves her hand right there on Lexi’s jaw. “You try to run away from me. I never know what I did.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

Rue feels like that’s a lie, but she doesn’t say anything more. Lexi has this look on her face that makes it seem as if she’s going to explain further, but she has that look for a solid thirty seconds before anything happens. Eventually Lexi’s eyes dart away and her hand comes up to the one Rue is resting on her face, probably to pry Rue’s fingers off of her. Rue keeps her hand there anyways, because she’s sure now that she’s going to end this cycle somehow.

Lexi beats her to it. She surges forward and pecks Rue once on the lips, quickly enough that Rue would have barely noticed it if it weren’t for the lingering, warm feeling on her mouth. Lexi looks terrified. Rue hates that scared look on her face, and she also discovers pretty quickly that she hates being apart from Lexi.

They’re kissing again in seconds, but this time for longer. Rue uses that hand on Lexi’s jaw to anchor Lexi to her, and in turn Lexi opens her mouth and kisses back eagerly. It’s this desperate lock of lips and tongue for a minute until it slows down and Rue is hit with a wave of understanding.

This explains it all. Lexi’s inability to make eye contact or look at Rue’s bare body. All of the blushing and the awkwardness, plus the general way Lexi acts around her. It makes sense to Rue, in that moment. She can feel the blatant wanting behind Lexi’s kisses, like Lexi is ready to give her everything and so much more. It gives her this thrill that she’s never felt before, not with anyone.

She wants all of Lexi - not just sexually, not just because of her dumb teenage hormones, but she wants the good, the bad, and the ugly.

“Rue! Lexi! We’re taking the cookies out of the oven.” The sound of Rue’s mom’s voice coming from outside plus the sound of two sets of footsteps makes Rue and Lexi break apart.

They look at each other with the same flushed, panicked expressions for a second before the door is open and her mom is there with Gia.

“What are you two doing?” Gia asks. “Why are you guys in the tub?”

Lexi spouts out an excuse while Rue fills the lull in the conversation with excessive rambling, and they’re both so good at lying that somehow it seems as if the whole thing never happened at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listennnn, I just wanted to get rid of Jules


	6. All I Want For Christmas Is You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a minute but I’m backkk

Rue makes poor decisions.

Even when she makes good decisions, she’ll eventually be sure that they aren’t good at all. It takes about twenty minutes of overthinking for Rue to completely unravel her initial thoughts and turn everything she’s ever done into a swirling tornado of mistakes. Unfortunately, this same process works with the kiss.

Everything is fine as Lexi announces her mom wants her back and Rue walks her to the door. They act shyer than usual and share a quick hug, and for once Rue can’t find a damn thing wrong with the whole situation. That lasts for a solid ten minutes, because by the time she has settled down in her room with a bowl of cereal, she’s lost it. She thinks about how Lexi had left (had Lexi’s mom really wanted her back or was it just a lie), how they had kissed (a bathtub was a stupid place to do it, and Rue is probably a bad kisser), and whatever feelings they’re eventually going to have to sort through.

It makes her nervous. Unexplainably nervous. Those two words pretty much sum up Rue’s life, but for some reason she still feels like she’s Regina George getting hit with a bus when the anxiety finally gets to her. 

Oh god, now she’s making Mean Girls references. She really has been spending too much time with Cassie.

And oh god, Cassie. Rue genuinely likes hanging out with Cassie, she’s one of the few people that gets her odd humor and can also take care of Gia pretty well. In fact, Rue likes the whole Howard house. It’s comfortable in a way her house is not, probably because there’s safety in knowing that she has never gotten high there. It’s a little safe haven and if Rue fucks things up with Lexi - which she inevitably will, because screwing things up is in her DNA - then all of that is taken away. 

How the fuck is she supposed to function now without all of the support Lexi and her family has given her? Rue doesn’t do well on her own.

Plus, high school relationships end. That’s what happens. Few people go off and marry their high school sweetheart, and Lexi isn’t even her high school sweetheart. Rue isn’t sure what Lexi is. She just wants Lexi around forever. 

Or maybe forever just isn’t enough.

All Rue knows is that she’s angrily shoveling spoonfuls of cereal into her mouth and getting milk everywhere, so maybe she needs to take a breather.

-

A breather includes staying up all night, finishing off the rest of the unhealthy cereal along with three cans of soda, and watching so much television that by five in the morning Rue’s eyes sting horribly. For the record, she’s fine. Well, not actually fine, but fine in Rue standards.

Maybe she should have gotten some sleep, but she figures it’s okay that she didn’t. What matters is that when her family wakes up around six, it will look as if Rue just got up a bit earlier due to Christmas excitement. No one will have to worry about her. Honestly, Rue isn’t that worried about herself either. She hadn’t even watched reality TV this time. It’s the first time in awhile Rue has picked up a show that actually has a plot and some character development. It’s no Game of Thrones, but she figures it’s a step forward.

At 5:30, the oddest thing to happen in the Bennett house in years goes down. Rue gets up and decides to take a shower. 

Now, it’s not that Rue doesn’t shower, because she does. It’s just a huge hassle. She often forgets until someone from her family tells her that she stinks, and even then it takes several reminders for Rue to actually get into the shower. It just takes so much effort, plus she can go weeks only using deodorant without anyone noticing. Besides, it’s not as if Rue is the best at self care. No one can expect her to do extra things like wash herself.

She actually surprises herself a little when she stands up, grabs new clothes, and heads into the bathroom. Rue wants to smell nice and feel clean. She figures that if she told one of her old therapists about this moment, they would say that she was taking a step towards self-love. 

Just thinking that makes Rue laugh and think to herself about how she practices ‘self-love’ every time she visits Pornhub, but hey - two steps forward, one step back.

“Rue what the hell-“ Her mom busts in halfway through, looking panicked.

Rue pokes her head out from around the shower curtain. “Yes, mom?”

Her mom looks at her like she’s grown a second head. Rue can understand that. Doing something this productive this early in the morning isn’t Rue’s style at all.

“Are you…” She starts slowly. “Are you showering out of complete free will before noon?”

“Yes.”

“Lexi should start coming over more.” 

Rue’s mouth falls open but all she can do is fumble with her words until her mom rolls her eyes and leaves. Rue really needs to get her shit together. 

Christmas goes off without a hitch. They eat milk and cookies first instead of the actual food and gather in front of the television to binge watch Christmas movies. Gia immediately sinks into the plot of How the Grinch Stole Christmas while Rue eats an unhealthy amount of cookies and their mom watches the both of them fondly, only occasionally stopping them to plant kisses on their cheeks or foreheads. 

It’s a pretty great first hour of celebration. Rue manages to forget about most of her troubles, at least somewhat. The thoughts linger in the back of her mind for most of the movie, but she’s never been able to rid her anxiety completely, so she isn’t too worried.

The first hour passes as hours do and eventually Rue stretches her arms high above her head, craving something more filling than cookies. She gets to her feet with mac and cheese, ham, and bread in mind. Before Rue gets the chance to get her food, someone unexpectedly knocks on the door. Since she’s already standing, Rue sighs and goes to answer it.

Cassie is standing on the other side of the door with a container in her hands, looking a little sheepish and a lot guilty. “So, I kind of burned our dinner… but, I brought you guys pancakes.”

Rue takes note of how Cassie is in the front while the rest of the Howards are lined up behind her, and figures that the burning of the dinner was probably solely Cassie’s fault. It’s all kind of endearing, plus Rue doesn’t mind merging families for Christmas. It saves her the trip of having to take their presents over to their house tomorrow. 

“You guys can come in.” Rue steps aside and allows them to go in one by one, Cassie followed by her mom and then Lexi, who stands near the doorway a bit awkwardly. 

Her eyes are slightly wider than usual, a clear sign that she’s mentally over thinking things, and she looks so fucking small in front of Rue that Rue forgets their situation for a moment and drags Lexi into a hug. Lexi’s head fits just under her chin and Rue keeps her tucked under there, holds her like Lexi is the best gift Rue has ever received. 

“It’s good to see you too.” Lexi says through a breath of laughter. 

Rue steps back and shuts the door so more of the cold won’t leave into the room. She looks Lexi over once more, noticing how Lexi’s coat is so large that it seems to swallow her whole (which is very cute, though Rue is hesitant to admit it aloud). 

Lexi taps one of her gigantic coat pockets, making a quiet thumping noise. “I have your present in here.”

“Really?” Rue asks, sounding a bit like how an excited puppy would sound if dogs could speak English. “Can I open it now?”

This is what leads Rue to drag Lexi into her room, passing everyone else who gives them odd looks. Rue has Lexi’s present in her room, so she decides that they can both just swap gifts in there. Honestly, she does feel a little tense shutting the door behind them and joining Lexi on the bed, because the dam has been broken. They’re in uncharted territory now.

Despite that, Rue leans back and tries to act casual as she hands Lexi her gift. “You should open your present first.” 

“Okay.” Lexi agrees.

She says it so casually, but Rue sees the excitement on her face and the eager lift to her voice. Rue also feels the slight nervousness buzzing around her chest. She knows her gift is good (Gia had helped her pick it, so it has to be at least decent), but that still doesn’t stop her from feeling a bit afraid that Lexi will hate it. 

Rue watches very closely as Lexi pulls the wrapping paper off of the gift. Inside is a slim black box, which Lexi carefully removes the top off of. Inside of the box is a silver necklace that has a charm with B + H on the chain, which stands for Bennett + Howard. 

A second passes before Lexi leans over and throws her arms around Rue, hugging her for the second time in the last twenty minutes. It’s different than the first hug, because this time they are on a bed and Rue really isn’t prepared for it. When Rue says she isn’t prepared for it, she means that she falls back onto the mattress as Lexi practically tackles her. They both end up splayed across the bed with Lexi on top of her, Lexi’s arms wrapped somewhat tightly around Rue’s shoulders. 

Lexi sits up after a moment and looks down at Rue, the smile very present on her face. Rue’s heart flutters - and she feels so stupid for even letting it do such a thing, but her heart goes ahead and does it anyways.

“Do you like it?” Rue asks, letting her hands absentmindedly roam across the sheets under her. 

“I love it.” Lexi confirms. 

She sets the necklace and box aside, causing Rue to open her mouth in confusion. Rue assumed that Lexi would want to wear it right now, but apparently not. She’s about to ask why when Lexi returns to her initial position and firmly plants her lips on Rue’s.

Oh. That’s why.

Rue kisses back eagerly but still leaves her hands on the mattress. She’s not really sure where she is with Lexi. Are they dating? Are they just making out because of (admittedly annoying) hormones? 

The smart thing to do would be to ask, but Rue is Rue and she’s kind of distracted at the moment, so she shuts up and keeps on kissing.

They’re wrapped up in it for longer than Rue would like to admit. Eventually she gets over her hesitation and puts her hands on Lexi’s hips, trying to pull her closer than she already is. She feels like a teenage boy in one of those puberty videos - only driven by the need to reach out and touch. Rue is almost totally oblivious to the fact that their respective families are just outside the room. Almost.

She pulls away reluctantly after awhile, but still isn’t really able to force her head too far away from Lexi’s (she just wants to stay close). “I think they’re waiting for us.”

“Yeah.” Lexi agrees, but she sounds a little breathless - similar to someone who’s promising to wake up while they are still tucked under the covers. “Oh, and I still have your present.” 

Lexi crawls off of Rue’s lap and digs into her enormous (seriously, it’s like it’s magic) coat pocket to reveal a book. That hadn’t been what Rue was expecting at all. Sure, she can read and sometimes she likes to, but it’s not really her favorite thing in the world. Rue stays quiet while Lexi slides up next to her and opens the book, letting each side fall onto both both of their laps.

Once it’s open, Rue gasps. Actually gasps. She has honestly never gasped in surprise before, but out the little noise comes.

It’s not just a book - it’s a scrapbook. The first page has some of their best childhood pictures. Rue’s favorite is plastered in the middle. It’s of her and Lexi standing back to back in their detective uniforms (wow, young Rue looks pretty good in suspenders), finger guns proudly up in the air and aimed at the ceiling. There are two others, but they’re all similar in the sense that it is mostly just Lexi and Rue in them (and occasionally Cassie, Gia, or a relative), and that they have these overly bright smiles in each one.

It is all kind of perfect.

Actually, scratch the kind of. It is perfect.

“Do you like-“ Lexi doesn’t even get the chance to get her question out before Rue is leaning over and kissing her again, cupping Lexi’s face in her hands as she does so.

Rue pulls away and smiles, feeling a little embarrassed about how eagerly she’d gone through with the action but mostly just careless and happy. It’s a nice change from the rest of her life. 

She feels free.

“We still have to get back out there.” Lexi reminds her gently and Rue nods, reluctantly standing up along with Lexi.

They go back outside without touching each other, but they might as well be knuckle-deep because the new light on their relationship shows anyways. Lexi gravities towards Rue the same way Rue gravitates towards Lexi, and when their elbows come very close to brushing on the way over to the couch, Rue swears she feels her hands tense with the need to touch Lexi - hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, whatever.

Rue has been turned into a sap. 

Overly lovey and borderline clingy does not fit into the whole ‘party animal drug addict’ reputation. She figures as long as no one tells Ashtray then she’ll be fine. Or maybe she’ll get a new reputation altogether. Who knows? The future is wide and bright and open when Lexi is in it and- Rue really needs to sit down and shut up.

Fuck, it’s like she’s in a John Green novel. 

The rest of the day goes well. 

Rue would be lying if she said it wasn’t the best Christmas ever, or possibly her best day ever. 

They all got to eat too much food, even with the extra guests. The pancakes are gone before midnight thanks to Cassie and Gia, and Rue basically inhales half of the cornbread while Lexi lectures her on her diet (which Rue doesn’t mind, she finds it sort of cute when Lexi is ranting). After the food, they all open each other’s gifts. A lot of sentimental stuff goes around, but there is also some other presents that come in handy that day, such as pancake mix and a set of Christmas movie DVDs. 

By midnight, they are on their third movie of the night and all cuddled up near each other in front of the television. Gia and Rue’s mom are sleeping on the couch in a hugging position while Cassie hugs her pancake mix (Rue silently wonders if Cassie could get on My Strange Addiction) and Ms. Howard splays out across the other side of the couch. Rue and Lexi gladly take the floor and several fuzzy blankets to burrow in, along with multicolored pillows.

Rue ends up being the last one awake, too caught up in watching Lexi sleep to fall asleep herself. That sounds creepy, but she can’t help it. Lexi is pressed up against her, having her arm curled around Rue’s as she snoozes. Her face is all scrunched up in the best possible way, like she’s having a rather interesting dream or her nose itches. Either way, it’s adorable.

And yeah, okay, maybe they should talk sometime. Maybe they should sort out their feelings before one of them gets confused or screws the other over, but it’s Christmas and Lexi is sleeping so Rue will shut the fuck up for now.

It takes Rue about two hours to realize that it’s odd she hasn’t fallen asleep yet. 

The movie is over and so are the credits, so all that is being displayed is a black screen. She’s comfortable and tired, but her heart keeps beating at its slightly too fast pace, like she has just stopped lifting a heavy weight. Rue would say it’s odd, but it isn’t. She gets this feeling a lot - the sudden, random anxiety over nothing - but she didn’t expect it to come now. If she expected it, then that would probably take out the random part, but it’s okay. Rue knows how this goes.

Everything is fine until it absolutely isn’t. 

Rue slowly pulls herself away from Lexi when it gets to be too much and stands up. She instantly feels lightheaded and a bit like she might throw up. Great, her body is screwing her over again.

Rue could deal with her body acting up. That’s fine, she could take some pills (normal, over the counter pills that non-addict people take when they are sick) and be done with it. The real problem comes when her mind also starts fucking up, too.

Her thoughts are suddenly on herself and Lexi, and not in the good way. 

She feels too happy about the whole situation. Something has to come crashing down. There is nothing Rue has done to deserve this joy. In fact, she deserves pain. She’s been nothing but an asshole to Lexi for years and she never even visited the Howard family unless it was to manipulate their daughter. Now she lets them make her pancakes? Rue is a horrible person.

That thought sticks in her mind as she gets to the bathroom. Rue drops down to her knees near the toilet, but she isn’t sure if she’s going to puke or not. 

Her brain just won’t shut up, because what if she causes that family more pain? What if she takes the best one of them all, Lexi Howard, and screws her up, too? This is a high school relationship. It will end, probably dramatically and in tears. Rue will most likely be the one to fuck up, because she always fucks up, and Lexi will have a giant hole in her heart because of it. She can see it on the horizon, all the pain and the sadness and the wreck Rue will cause. 

What if she relapses? What if she falls in love with somebody else and Lexi hears about it? What if her anger gets the better of her and she starts screaming again or worse? She couldn’t deal with harming Lexi again, physically or emotionally. What if one day everything gets to be too much and she just snaps, ruins everything in one full go? 

What if she breaks Lexi’s heart?

What if, what if, what if?

The day after Christmas, Rue has a panic attack alone for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I’ve never gotten a paper cut before.
> 
> Find me on Twitter and Tumblr: @thatoneurchin


	7. You Make Bad Decisions

As stated earlier, Rue has a panic attack alone for the first time in a long time.

The whole thing is something familiar to Rue that she’s still never really gotten used to, and it feels as if it lasts endlessly - but it doesn’t. Eventually Rue is sucking in breath after breath, sounding desperate and near death but getting in air anyways. 

The panic attack is lonely, but the aftermath is not.

“Rue?”

It’s Lexi - because of course it is, the universe obviously has a bone to pick with Rue and there’s also the possibility Rue’s previous movement had jostled Lexi awake - standing there with her tired smile and looking like an angel. Rue doesn’t answer, but Lexi shuts the door behind her and joins Rue on the floor anyways. They sit across from each other, both of them silent.

This is the first time that Rue thinks about how silences are different.

Lexi is still smiling as if she can’t help it and she’s nudging Rue’s ankle with her toe like it’s the most amusing thing in the world. Rue’s face is totally void of emotion and she barely moves as Lexi’s toe pokes her, but a familiar warmth spreads through her body at the touch. She’s happy, and therefore there is something wrong. 

“What are you doing in here?” Lexi asks, making a small gesture to the bathroom surrounding them. 

Rue’s mind blanks.

“I like bathrooms.”

Dumb answer. 

Lexi doesn’t seem to care whether Rue’s answers are dumb or smart. She simply grins, looking amused, and gets up on her knees. Rue knows what’s coming before it gets there, because they’ve done this just long enough for Rue to have Lexi’s pre-kissing face engraved in her mind. It pains Rue, but she places a firm hand on Lexi’s shoulder.

“Don’t.”

And that’s when Rue decides she has to do it. She has to break up with Lexi Howard.

Lexi falters but sits back, scrunching up her nose just a bit in confusion. Her eyes go to the toilet. “Did you vomit again or something? I told you not to eat that much, babe.”

Babe. 

Well, that fucking hurts.

“No, I didn’t.” Rue says. 

She tries to remind herself why she’s doing this. A big part of her wants to just let Lexi kiss her, but another part knows that if she doesn’t say something now then things will just escalate. If things escalate, Rue will end up fucking things up somehow and Lexi will be left heartbroken. 

So, it’s best to just do it now. Isn’t it?

“Rue, what’s wrong?”

“A lot of things. I, uh… I don’t think.” Rue pauses and swallows rather loudly, trying to work up some courage. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

Lexi - bless her - looks terribly confused. “Do what?” 

This feels harder than it should. Rue has a million things to say, but they all die in her throat. She’s bad at this. No one should be good at this, but Rue thinks that she is especially terrible at breaking up with people. Are they even breaking up? Is it possible to break up when she isn’t even sure if they were dating in the first place? 

“This.” She gestures lamely between them. Rue gets to see the moment when it all sinks in for Lexi, and it makes her body ache. She looks away, like a coward. “I think we should just stay friends.”

A moment passes. Rue hates to say this and sound cliche, but it truly feels as if the moment stretches on forever. She stares directly at a patch on the floor, counting every little speck of dust she can see there and then doing it again. Anything to pass the time. Anything not to make eye contact with Lexi or see her face. Looking up would destroy her - the image would stick in her mind and she wouldn’t be able to make it leave for months, possibly years - so Rue doesn’t do anything at all.

Lexi does.

“Oh.” Lexi gets up. Well, Rue assumes that she does. Rue hears the slight rustle of it and watches Lexi’s shadow stretch a little longer, indicating that Lexi stood up. “Yeah, that’s… that’s cool.”

It doesn’t sound as if it’s cool. In fact, it sounds as if Lexi is going to cry. Rue knows exactly what Lexi’s voice sounds like when she’s near tears (the noise is locked away in the back of her head, trapped in memories that go from Lexi scraping her knees as a child to her sobbing at Rue’s bedside in a chilly hospital room) and it isn’t pleasant. Rue’s head finally raises out of instinct, but all she sees when she looks up is the wide open door and a glimpse of Lexi’s retreating form. 

In short: Rue feels like shit.

Rue gets up as quickly as possible and exits the bathroom, thinking about how this was probably the wrong decision - and she knows she could take it back if she could just move fast enough. Rue tries her hardest, but there’s a deafening thud coming from the front of house that makes her heart sink. By the time she gets to the living room, Lexi is already gone. It seems as if there is a noticeably empty spot where she left. The sound of the front door closing echoes in Rue’s mind.

Lexi has always been faster than her. 

However, Lexi is not faster than a car. 

That thought occurs to Rue about a minute after Lexi leaves. The car keys are on the kitchen counter and the vehicle sits out in the driveway, slightly dented in the front but looking very tempting. Rue spends a while thinking over the consequences of taking the car out this late at night and how her mother would react if she were to wake up and find it gone. Rue would probably be grounded for life. 

Rue is debating whether or not she can deal with being grounded for life when Lexi pops up into her mind. Lexi, who is emotional and probably mad at her. Lexi, who is tiny and wandering around a relatively bad neighborhood, all alone in the dark.

Remember when Rue said she makes bad decisions? Well, this might just be one of them. She doesn’t feel entirely comfortable getting behind the wheel again since she ran over Lexi last time, but this seems necessary. 

Rue grabs the car keys and very carefully sneaks out the front door, making sure to lock it behind her when she leaves. She presses the button on the keys and flinches when the car beeps loudly, signaling that it is now unlocked. Hoping that noise didn’t wake her family up, Rue opens the door and gets in the car. As she starts it up, Rue feels a rush of fear and very slight excitement run through her. She’s so fucked if she gets caught, but this is Lexi - and Lexi is worth getting fucked for.

Okay, so bad choice of words. Whatever. The message is clear. 

It doesn’t take a long time to track down Lexi. A human can only get so far on foot and since Rue has a car, she catches up quickly. About a minute of driving later, the headlights shine brightly over Lexi’s small frame. Rue pulls up next to her and slows down, then puts her window down so that they can talk.

Lexi doesn’t seem to be in the mood for talking. She just continues walking, even as she sees that it’s Rue in the car, and barely turns her head to make brief eye contact. Lexi’s eyes are puffy and pink around the rims, and her lip quivers a bit even as she noticeably tries to stop it from trembling. 

“Lex, come on.” Rue says, feeling a little like a creeper as she tries to coax Lexi into the car. “It’s dark out. Let me drive you home.”

Silence comes from Lexi. Rue sighs and keeps on driving alongside of her. It’s a pain, but she can always just walk Lexi home this way. As long as Lexi is safe then things are fine, that’s the main goal here. 

“Can we talk? I didn’t mean it.” Rue sounds like an asshole, but she goes ahead and says it anyways. 

Lexi flips her off.

“Okay, that’s deserved. But I-“ She cuts herself off abruptly and slams on the breaks when Lexi turns to the right and suddenly walks in front of the car.

Rue immediately assumes that Lexi has some sort of death wish until she remembers that Lexi has to take a right turn to get back to her house. Still, it’s a crazy move. Crazy enough that Lexi seems to realize that she’s lost it and finally stops walking, standing in front of the car and looking at Rue through the window with a blank expression. 

“Please?” Rue prompts, leaning over to push open the passenger door for Lexi.

Lexi’s shoulders sag in defeat and she reluctantly gets inside. She shuts the door behind her and then crosses her arms over her stomach, staring off into the distance. Damn, Rue forgot how stubborn Lexi can be. 

“Can we talk?” Rue asks, once she starts driving again. She is pretty sure Lexi wouldn’t jump out of a moving car.

“I’m not in the mood.” Lexi replies. Her voice sounds so unfamiliar - it’s not just sad, it’s angry. “This is the second time you’ve hit me with your car, by the way.”

Rue looks wildly over Lexi’s body for any injuries. “I didn’t hit you this time!”

“You tapped me.”

“Okay, well. I’m sorry.” Rue really needs to get better at driving.

She is extra careful as they go back to Lexi’s house. Hitting Lexi twice is bad enough, Rue would probably stop driving altogether if she were to run over someone a third time. She drives kind of slowly, but they still get to the house faster than she planned to. Once they are there, Rue quickly locks the car doors so Lexi can’t get out.

Lexi frowns and sinks in her seat after one attempt at pulling the door open. “This is just kidnapping. Are you a secret axe murderer?”

“I just want to talk.” Rue tells her. 

That is the truth, even though Rue hasn’t really pieced together what to say. She should probably figure it out, but right now her mind is just focused on getting Lexi to accept her offer. 

It takes a moment of consideration, but Lexi finally nods.

“Fine.” 

Rue opens her mouth to speak, but Lexi reaches over and presses the button to unlock all the doors. Then, she gets out. Rue feels defeated. She assumes that Lexi is simply ditching her, but Lexi walks halfway up her driveway before stopping and turning around to stare at the car. Lexi waves and Rue realizes that Lexi wants to talk inside of her house, so she rushes to get out of the car.

She jogs halfway up the driveway and then joins Lexi there. They start walking in silence. Rue doesn’t expect for Lexi to say anything until they get inside, so she tries to move them along a little faster to the door.

Once they’re inside, Lexi sits down on the couch and Rue joins her. They sit a comfortable distance away from each other - which means that their thighs are bumping every few seconds, because comfortable means ‘way too close’ in their language. 

“I’m sorry.” Rue repeats, breaking the silence. “I freaked out. I should have dealt with it better.” 

“Dealt with what better?” Lexi questions. She shifts and pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs to provide some warmth.

Rue blushes - this is stupid and she’s embarrassed. “I just… I had a panic attack, and that isn’t an excuse, but I kept thinking about how we’re going to break up and that it’s going to be my fault. Just, inevitably. High school relations are shitty and all that.”

“How do you know it’s going to be your fault.”

Well, Rue is stumped. She would explain how the universe has trapped her in an unfair boxing match since birth and that she’s always close to losing, but all of that sounds insane. 

“It just is.” Rue says eventually.

Lexi stares at her for a long moment before she leans forward and shoves Rue’s shoulder. “You’re a fucking dumbass.” 

Rue looks at Lexi in shock until she sees the tiny smirk on Lexi’s lips that is slowly building. Feeling a bit better now, Rue copies the action and pushes Lexi’s shoulder. 

“No, you are.” Rue returns.

“No, you.”

“No, you.”

“No, you.”

This goes on with additional shoving until Lexi finally grabs Rue’s hands and tugs her into a kiss.

It’s all kind of sudden, but it’s different than all of their other kisses. Both of their feelings are lingering and that leaks into the kiss. Rue can tell Lexi is still at least a little angry by how much force she uses, but Rue just takes it because she’s still sorry. Lexi keeps on holding Rue’s hands tightly and leans forward until Rue feels the need to fall back, and then Rue is on her back with Lexi on top of her once again.

The kisses aren’t sweet. They’re rushed, and Rue feels slightly trapped under Lexi’s weight but it’s good. She feels unashamedly hot about how forceful Lexi is being, and when she moans into the kiss it isn’t a surprise. 

It is a surprise when Lexi pulls away and taps Rue’s shirt. “Can I take this off?” 

“You can do anything.” Rue replies honestly. It makes Lexi hesitate, her eyes softening before she pulls off Rue’s shirt as carefully as possible. 

Despite Lexi’s attempt, Rue’s hair is still a mess by the time Lexi gets the clothing off. It’s stuck up in different directions and part of it is in her face, but Rue figures some of that is due to the fact that she hasn’t brushed it in days. Her hair problems don’t matter because Lexi simply laughs and brushes Rue’s hair out of her face, being extra gentle with how her fingertips run along Rue’s skin.

“I like it like this.” Lexi comments, dragging her fingers through the curls fondly. She runs her hand down Rue’s jaw and along her collarbones, trailing for a heated second down between Rue’s breasts (where her bra should be, but isn’t) and coming to rest her palm on Rue’s stomach. “I like all of you like this, actually.”

“Oh.” Rue says, because that’s all she can come up with at the moment.

She kind of hates her body. If anyone were to ask, then Rue would say her body is alright. She’s aware that she is nowhere near fat but she also doesn’t think that she has a particularly attractive figure either. She doesn’t mention this to anyone, but Rue makes a conscious effort not to look at her own body. It’s just depressing. She never has anything good to say about herself, physically or mentally. 

Despite all of that, Rue feels a sudden liking for her body when Lexi’s Hans is on it. Lexi looks over her so thoroughly - so hungrily - that Rue figures there must be something to love about her body.

“Are you seriously not wearing a bra?” Lexi asks, sounding breathless from just looking at Rue.

Lexi’s fingers ghost across Rue’s skin, avoiding touching any sensitive spots at first. She’s just mapping Rue out with her fingers, and Rue is okay with that. She’s okay with it until Lexi’s fingers brush against the side of her breast and suddenly it’s all not enough.

“You can touch them.” Rue blurts, louder than she means to. “If you want.”

“Okay.” Lexi nods, but it takes her a moment to actually move her hand.

Once Lexi’s fingers settle against the curve of Rue’s chest, Rue leans up and kisses Lexi to distract herself. She feels like a teenage boy. She’s just so needy now, so willing to let Lexi touch her anywhere she wants. 

Lexi touches her with more confidence than Rue expected. Rue guesses that some of Lexi’s bravado is still lingering from earlier. She doesn’t mind it. In fact, she is already obsessed with how Lexi’s fingers pinch and roll her nipples with ease. It’s like Lexi has been practicing. Maybe she has. Just the thought of it (of Lexi, naked on her bed and touching herself) makes Rue moan into the kiss.

Lexi kisses back rougher as a response. Before Rue knows what she’s doing, she’s rolling her hips up into Lexi’s and almost grinding against her. 

Rue flushes, feeling embarrassed as Lexi pulls away slightly.

“Sorry.” Rue mumbles - and she hates when she mumbles, but it comes out that way anyways.

“Don’t say that.” Lexi dips down, kisses her neck gently. “It was hot.”

“Oh.” Rue says it again. 

Lexi rolls her eyes. “You say that a lot.”

Rue opens her mouth to protest, but she realizes halfway through the action that she was just planning on saying ‘oh’ again, so she shuts up. Lexi goes back to kissing her and keeps on teasing every inch of Rue’s skin she can touch. The first few times Rue rocks her hips up are hesitant and a little awkward, but Lexi starts to grind back down in time with her until the whole interaction runs smoothly. 

It doesn’t take long for Rue to be noticeably wet. She’s not wearing underwear and the grinding involves constant movement, so every little action reminds Rue of how she is nearly soaking through her pants.

Her hand moves on its own accord and soon she is gripping Lexi’s wrist, pulling it downward and towards Rue’s waistband. Lexi pushes her fingers under the fabric just barely, slowly dipping into new territory. 

“This okay?” Lexi kisses along Rue’s jaw, obviously trying to calm her down a bit.

“Yeah. It’s just-“ Rue’s breath catches in her throat as Lexi’s fingers shift, brushing against more of the extremely soft skin. “No girl has ever really, uh, touched me there. Could you just… go slow.”

Rue feels immediate embarrassment at the admission. She is trying to be hot for Lexi, and this whole virgin thing probably isn’t attractive at all. Lexi just smiles and nods - because she’s Lexi, and things with her are usually surprisingly easy - before continuing to kiss along Rue’s neck. 

Lexi’s fingers go lower, starting to dip between Rue’s folds. Rue’s head tilts back, exposing more of her neck to Lexi. It’s a bit surprising how Lexi takes the invite so easily and kisses around Rue’s skin, all while beginning to slowly run her fingers up and down Rue’s slit.

It feels fucking amazing. Lexi isn’t even adding any real pressure to her touch yet and Rue is already having to stop herself from bucking up into Lexi’s palm. Rue doesn’t have much self control though, so she raises her hips up seconds later. She gets one hot press of Lexi’s fingers before Lexi is pulling her hand away teasingly. 

“Lexi.” Rue says. She hates how needy her voice comes out.

“I thought we were going slow.” Lexi quips. Rue pouts from under her.

“Just touch me.” 

“Strong words from a bottom.”

Rue glares up at Lexi. “I’m not a bottom. You’re just extra forceful tonight.”

Lexi keeps on giving Rue the same teasing smirk, and it brings out the small competitive part of Rue’s personality. Rue wraps her arm around Lexi’s waist and flips them around, suddenly ending up on top of Lexi. Lexi grins, looking pleased with the abrupt change in position. 

The only thing that hasn’t changed is that Lexi’s hand is still inside of Rue’s pants. Lexi’s hand has shifted just a bit so the flat of her palm is nestled up against Rue’s clit. The hard press of it becomes apparent to Rue immediately. She grinds along it, enjoying the friction. Her head tips back and she moans, long and low, as she finally gets the proper attention.

“Fuck, that’s good.” Rue admits, repeating the action over and over again. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Lexi blurts. 

It makes Rue look down, surprised with the strangely intimate words. All she sees is Lexi’s wide eyes, filled with awe, and the way Lexi’s arm shakes as she pushes her palm against Rue. Lexi is nervous. She also looks completely engrossed in the situation, so much so that her wide eyes refuse to leave Rue’s body. 

Rue leans forward and wraps her arms around Lexi’s shoulders, pulling her closer. She starts to grind slower against Lexi’s hand, working herself up with a little rolling of her hips. 

“I didn’t know I made you this wet.” Lexi comments as the slick noise of Rue’s movement fills the room. 

It hasn’t been long, but Rue already feels close. Being touched by someone else - especially being touched by Lexi - is so different from when she is doing it herself. She can’t guess when Lexi will move her hand slightly faster or push up harder, so she is completely at Lexi’s mercy. Rue can feel her orgasm building (and it’s right there, so very close that Rue can almost taste it), but she tries to hold it together for a few more moments.

That doesn’t last long.

Rue gasps as Lexi’s palm rubs right over her clit. The pressure is maddening. “Can’t help it.” 

“Jesus, honey.”

The use of the nickname mixed with the hot touch of Lexi’s hand eggs Rue on, and she comes with a startled cry of Lexi’s name. She clings to Lexi as she does it, burying her face in the crook of Lexi’s neck and pulling her impossibly closer as she shakes through it.

That’s the fastest Rue has ever had an orgasm in her life. The thing is, this isn’t even the most surprising part about it. The most surprising part comes about three seconds later, when Rue bursts into tears without warning.

Lexi runs her clean hand along Rue’s back, trying to soothe her. “Rue Rue, what’s wrong?” 

“It’s nothing. I’m just sorry.” Rue shifts her head, accidentally staining Lexi’s shirt with tears. “I don’t want to fuck anything up.”

It’s this sudden rush of emotions that Rue isn’t ready before, but she assumes is normal. She’s a hormonal teenage girl who just had sex. Crying is natural. She once actually cried over spilled milk when she was thirteen. It’s no biggie. 

“You’re not going to fuck anything up.” Lexi assures her. “Everything is going to be okay.”

And maybe it will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listennnn I was gonna have New Years Eve smut, and trust me there will be, but I’m also in a thirsty mood so there was this


	8. Gay Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluffffff

Rue wakes up to several concerned phone calls from two families and a long text from Cassie about how Rue can’t kidnap her little sister. Normally this would cause a bit of panic - she’s still a teenager and having her mom be mad at her makes her squirm - but Rue also wakes up to something else. Lexi. Correction: barely clothed Lexi, who is currently glued to Rue’s equally exposed body. 

It makes the panic slip away.

Okay, well. That’s a lie. Rue’s first instinct is to shove Lexi off of her, mostly because she completely forgets where she is for the first few seconds of consciousness. Then she remembers and settles into the embrace, noting how their legs are tangled together and how Lexi’s head fits just under her jaw. Next, Rue notices the lack of clothes, and that’s where the panic comes from. There’s just so much skin - miles and miles of pale skin, warm and soft under Rue’s fingers. So there’s (gay) panic, but it’s the nice type of panic.

“Lex.” Rue whispers (and she’s not really sure why she’s whispering but it happens anyways), letting her phone slip out of her hand so it lands gently on the floor. “Lexi, wake up.” 

Lexi doesn’t wake up, but she shifts a little until her legs are repositioned and her mouth drags across Rue’s collarbone. It leaves a warm trail along the skin, one that makes Rue shiver and reminds her of where she is right now. She’s half-naked and cuddling on a couch with a girl. With Lexi. 

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

“Lexi.” Rue drawls, a bit louder now. Lexi lifts her head with a tiny groan and blinks tired eyes at Rue. Rue gets one look at her brown eyes, paired with the sleepy expression on Lexi’s face, and immediately melts.

“Hi.” Lexi greets tiredly.

“Hi.” Rue responds and then pauses, thinking over her next words. “You look cute.” 

Lexi’s face lights up in the most adorable way ever. “Rue Bennett being all mushy? I thought hell would have to freeze over before this happened.”

Before Rue gets a chance to protest, Lexi moves forward and closes the space between them. Rue decides to shut up and kiss her girlfriend (girlfriend? Holy shit, Rue has a girlfriend). She clasps one hand behind Lexi’s head and leaves the other one on Lexi’s hip, pulling her closer.

Lexi stays planted there, putting all of her attention on Rue. Rue is pretty sure that Lexi is the best kisser in the world. Maybe she’s biased, but with Lexi’s mouth firm against hers, Rue isn’t about to change her opinion. It just feels so good - the solid warmth of Lexi all around, the wet press of her tongue, the way Lexi shifts her hips until she can grind down on Rue’s thigh.

It’s a good, steady rhythm. Constant and a little fast, like Rue’s heartbeat. Her fingers on the dip in Lexi’s back, Lexi’s teeth along Rue’s jaw, the warm buzz between Rue’s thighs.

And okay, Rue is kind of embarrassed with how suddenly horny she becomes. Usually it takes a minute, but she’s wet in no time at all and, well, that’s new. She wants to touch Lexi - because she hadn’t gotten to last night and that’s a damn shame - but right now, she’s perfectly fine with just kissing. It’s the morning and she’s still feeling a little (a lot) lazy, plus Lexi’s mouth is amazing. 

Unfortunately, the world is against their make out session. 

Their phones buzz at the same time and a collective groan runs between the two as they pull apart, both remembering the outside world.

Rue checks her phone again and decides that she’s totally screwed and should probably answer it, but Lexi slides against her in a way that makes Rue yank her back into a kiss seconds later. Rue is becoming a little needy, but fuck it. 

It’s all fine and dandy until the front door opens and their families are right there. 

“I knew it!” Gia shouts and Rue groans, burying her face in Lexi’s neck. 

The rest of the morning is uncomfortable, to say the least. 

No one is mad - though, Rue wishes they were. Everyone is more excited than annoyed. In fact, they’re borderline ecstatic. Rue and Lexi get to go upstairs to put on some clothes and return downstairs to help with breakfast without being yelled at. This would be a good thing if it didn’t mean that Rue and Lexi have to answer a series of many intimate questions during breakfast.

When did you two finally get together? 

Who kissed who first?

Why didn’t you guys just have quiet sex in the bathroom instead of leaving like weirdos?

The last one came from Gia and Cassie. Rue half-wishes that they did just have sex in the bathroom because now they have to go through the morning while painfully aware that their families have seen all the hickies. Rue is pretty sure that Lexi left some below her neck, and now her mom has seen those and it’s all just incredibly embarrassing.

Rue still wouldn’t wish the whole event away, though. What happened with Lexi is probably the best thing to happen in her entire life. 

Which is why, when the kitchen eventually clears out so it’s just Rue and Lexi rinsing off the dishes, Rue drops a plate into the water so she can wrap wet hands around Lexi instead. They end up hugging in the middle of the room, Rue’s chin at the top of Lexi’s head and Lexi’s fingertips rubbing circles into Rue’s back. 

Rue is always a little cold so it’s nice that Lexi is always warm, plus Lexi’s small stature is adorable. Lexi also smells nice - like pancakes, bacon, and a bit of rose shampoo.

“Lexi.” Rue says quietly. “I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“You’re so short.” Rue whispers.

Lexi shoves her away, laughing. “Shut up.”

Rue doesn’t go far. She steps back in almost as soon as she goes away and curls her arms around Lexi’s waist again, pulling Lexi into another sweet kiss.

“Damn.” Cassie whistles, carrying a maple syrup covered plate into the kitchen. “Back at it again.” 

Lexi slaps Cassie’s arm with a damp towel. 

Rue spends the rest of the day alone. Well, not really alone. She goes home and naps for a solid four hours and then texts Lexi for the next five, until she emerges from her room in search of some late night coffee and cereal only to find that it’s dark outside. Her phone is still buzzing with texts from Lexi as she locates the cereal box, so she asks Lexi about it being nighttime and Lexi calls her a dumbass. It’s fond, though. Rue loves it.

She pours too many Lucky Charms into a large bowl that still looks a little greasy from leftover popcorn butter (remind Rue to never let Gia do the dishes on her own again) and fills it up with milk until the cereal nearly overflows. Rue has to lower her mouth to the bowl and slurp milk out of it for a bit just so she can carry it properly. 

Even with the milk Rue drank in the kitchen, it’s still hard to get her meal back into her bedroom. She has to shove the phone into the waistband of her boxers and take very slow steps to get there, but she does it anyways. 

Call her obsessed if you want to, but she does rush the journey a bit because she can’t answer Lexi’s texts with the phone in her waistband. 

Rue sits down on the middle of her bed. She sets her phone on her knee, the coffee on the nightstand, and the bowl in her lap. There’s no spoon (well, there are a bunch in the kitchen but the kitchen suddenly feels so far) so Rue decides to keep on slurping milk and picking out pieces of cereal by stabbing them with her tongue. 

Lexi asks if they can move things to a phone call, so Rue accepts. It’s way easier to eat when she doesn’t have to keep touching the phone.

“Hey.” Lexi greets. 

Rue responds similarly, but it comes out muffled from the mix of milk and cereal in her mouth.

“What are you eating?”

“...Salad.”

“FaceTime me.” Lexi says. Rue sighs but does it anyways. She’s not surprised to see Lexi’s eyes roll as soon as Lexi’s spots the cereal. “Liar.”

“Sorry, babe.” Rue mumbles, raising the bowl to her mouth. She props the phone up against a pillow so she can see Lexi better.

“Ooo, babe? I like that.”

Rue blushes.

They talk for a bit about how their days are going. It’s not a long conversation. Lexi went for a run, got some more groceries for her family, and watched a Disney movie while texting and also completing a large puzzle. Rue’s day was less productive, but she did get up and stretch in the middle of texting and binge-watching Family Guy. Stretching is almost a workout and working out is good for you, so Rue might as well have gone to gym. It’s all the same in Rue’s book. 

(Of course it’s not in Lexi’s, who tells her that she’s going to have Rue lift a weight sometime - which sounds terrible, but Rue likes how Lexi’s voice raises an octave when she goes over how good Rue would look with some dumbbells in her hands.)

Eventually their conversation shifts to what they are going to do for the rest of the break. They still have until New Years Eve and the Christmas buzz has sort of died down, so there’s not much left to look forward to.

“There’s actually this thing.” Lexi says slowly, bringing up the vague topic much too carefully for it not to be a weighted subject. “A party thing.”

“Oh.” Rue says.

Yeah. Oh. 

‘Oh’, because the last time Rue went to a party was not great. Actually, no parties have been great for Rue. They used to be fun when she was, like, six and would carpool with Maddy then link arms with Lexi at the door. Everything after seventh grade - when people discovered how to unlock their parents liquor cabinets and which corners to go to for cheap weed - was a haze of drugs and alcohol that Rue called fun.

The last one had been particularly bad, though. It was months ago on Halloween and Rue had cried in the bathroom over Jules’ stupidity - and fuck, that feels like forever ago, because now Rue’s mind doesn’t even skim over the idea of giving Jules a call - then ended up, as usual, bitching to Lexi about her problems. So yeah, it was shitty. Shitty enough that Rue has declined every party invite she has gotten since then, even though there’s a flood of them every weekend. 

“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Lexi continues in a rush. “Being at home and watching some movies with you would be just as fun.”

Rue can’t tell if Lexi is lying or not. She doesn’t think that watching movies matches party-levels of fun, but Lexi’s likes and dislikes have always been a bit odd. Rue silently thinks it over, all while being very aware that Lexi is on her screen and staring at her. Being sober at the last party had sucked balls, but to be fair she had just swayed on the sidelines and watched Jules the whole night. Now, she has Lexi. 

Maybe things will be different. Better.

“No, it sounds fun. We should go.” Rue tells her.

Lexi still looks a bit concerned. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah. When is it?”

That’s how Rue ends up standing outside of an unfairly large house with her phone in her hand, awaiting Lexi’s arrival. The house is packed and people are already outside smoking, but Rue isn’t having any of that shit. She’s doing well, actually. Her eyes keep being drawn back to the smoke curling in the air and the blonde girl on the lawn, who has already lost it (Rue tries to guess what drug she took while she waits), but she doesn’t go over there and join them. 

She bounces up and down on her toes for a bit until a familiar car comes up beside her and the Howard sisters step out.

Rue adjusts her skirt a little self-consciously. Yes, she’s wearing a skirt. It’s nice - Rue would probably enjoy seeing it more on someone else rather than herself - but she’s never worn it until now. Some distant relative must have given it to her, not knowing that Lexi’s wardrobe is her dad’s. She also has nice makeup on. Usually Rue puts some on Friday night and leaves it on until Monday so she has this runny mascara look, but she wants to look pretty for Lexi.

She thinks it’s working, because Lexi blatantly stares at her as soon as she steps out of the car. 

“You’re wearing a skirt.” Lexi says. She shuts the door, but her eyes never leave Rue’s legs.

“Yeah. For easy access, I’m guessing.” Cassie comments with a smirk, causing Lexi to reach over to hit her sister. Cassie groans loudly. “Ow! That was my boob!”

Lexi bats Cassie away and Cassie disappears without another word, clutching her boob and pouting. Once she’s gone, Lexi gets onto her tippy toes to kiss Rue’s cheek and then pulls her into a hug. Again, Rue tucks Lexi just under her chin. This must be how they greet each other now. 

“You look pretty.” Lexi tells Rue once they step out of the hug. 

“Thanks.” Rue smiles. The tips of her ears are dark red. “You do, too.”

They link hands and cross the street together. Lexi speeds up unnecessarily (or maybe it’s completely necessary) when walking past the smokers, but for the most part it’s all pretty chill. By chill, Rue means that she is surrounded by about two hundred sweaty teenagers and that this is an odd experience without any cocaine, but whatever. Rue can get used to it. The smell of everyone around her is kind of making her eyes sting though. 

Lexi pulls her into a little empty pocket of space in the corner and says something that Rue doesn’t catch. Rue has to step forward and Lexi has to yell twice for Rue to finally understand her.

“I have to use the bathroom!” 

“Okay.” Rue says, but she’s not sure Lexi hears her so she nods and gives Lexi two dorky thumbs up.

Rue decides to wander around once Lexi is gone. The music is loud and thumping, but she isn’t in the mood to dance without her girlfriend so she walks around a bit. This may sound creepy, but Rue is good at knowing where things are in people’s houses. She’s been at enough parties to guess where the bathrooms, bedrooms, and kitchen is. The bedrooms are for fucking and she doesn’t want to seem too clingy by following Lexi to the bathroom, so she decides on finding the kitchen.

But kitchens are where the alcohol is.

There’s a lot of it, too. Tall bottles lined up in rows, some of them unopened. Rue knows exactly what it would feel like to swipe a sealed bottle, tuck it under her shirt, and climb up to the roof to get trashed alone. She could probably get acid, too, from some douchebag here, but it’s not like she’s going to actually do it. Nope, she’s just going to stare at it - wondering if that vodka would burn her throat since she hasn’t had it in forever or if it would slide down easy like she’s welcoming an old friend. 

She isn’t going to do it. There’s no doubt Lexi would find her eventually. No doubt Lexi would feel terribly guilty and Rue would feel like shit for months. She’s almost stopped being a disappointment. She can’t give that up. 

Rue is about to turn around and leave (the song playing isn’t that bad, she can go dance or something) when someone bumps right into her. It’s the blonde girl from the lawn. Strange, Rue had been sure she had seen the girl passed out on the grass.

“Fuck. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Rue says and watches silently as the girl goes over to the kitchen counter and fixes herself a drink. 

Well, she tries to fix herself a drink. The girl grabs a cup and starts mixing things that definitely don’t go together. In fact, Rue could imagine how terrible the drink would taste just by looking at it. She has to bite her tongue as she watches. This is none of her business, but that girl is so fucked if she even takes a sip of that.

“Wait.” Rue snatches the cup from her before she gets a chance to drink. The blonde girl gives her a ‘what the fuck’ look, which is totally fair, because Rue isn’t sure what she’s doing herself, but she dumps the alcohol down the sink. “That would have been nasty as fuck.” 

The girl just sways from side to side, looking lost. Rue wonders if that’s what she looked like during every party she went to. 

She walks over to the fridge and bends down to get a cold water. Honestly, she feels like a mom while she uncaps the drink and hands the bottle over to the blonde. It’s fine, though. She also feels vaguely helpful, especially when the girl chugs half of it in about three seconds. 

“Thanks.” The girl wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand. “You could be a bartender.”

It’s drunk people talk and it’s so, so very wrong (no way is Rue spending the rest of her life around booze) but the girl disappears into the crowd so Rue doesn’t correct her. Instead, she props herself up on what looks to be a non-sticky part of the counter and texts Lexi, telling her that she’s in the kitchen.

About a minute later, Lexi comes through the doorway. She grins when she sees Rue and steps between her legs before Rue gets a chance to slide off the counter.

“Hey.” Lexi grins.

Rue links her fingers behind Lexi’s neck, already annoyed with the upbeat tune her heart is playing in her chest. “Hi.” 

Lexi leans up and kisses her gently. It’s a very soft moment in a very chaotic place. There’s the barest bit of tongue, but they have to break away because neither of them can stop smiling and the crash of teeth isn’t exactly hot. 

“Do you want to dance?” Lexi asks. Rue nods. 

So, they go out into the big room where everyone is dancing or jumping or just plain fucking around. They find a spot to slip into and dance around each other for a bit until one of them steps forward and they get into each other’s space, finally dancing with each other. Rue puts her hands on Lexi’s hips and Lexi’s got her palms pressed to the nape of Rue’s neck, so they bounce and sway and twist together to a blaring rap song about money.

It’s not romantic in the slightest, but Rue kind of loves it. She brands the image of Lexi dancing into her mind. The swaying hips, her tempting little smile, the inhale of breath Rue takes when Lexi presses against her as if they should mold together.

It’s fucking magical.

They dance until they’re both sweaty and flushed, ankles aching from all the jumping and heartbeats matched to the beat of the song. Eventually the crowd gets annoyingly rowdy and Lexi’s face is so red that Rue is borderline concerned, so they break away to the kitchen to grab some cool bottles of water and then Rue leads Lexi upstairs.

They pass several couples who couldn’t get into the bedrooms that are making out against the walls. Lexi must think that Rue is leading her into some gross, unfamiliar room for sex, but Rue is really just looking for the balcony that she saw outside. She finds it, and thankfully it’s empty.

It overlooks the pool outside. Some people are swimming around half-naked and yelling, but there’s no music playing out there so it’s loads quieter than inside. They sit down near the edge of it and twist open their waters. 

“This was more fun than I expected.” Rue says. She takes a sip and stretches, wondering what time it is. Midnight, maybe. 

“Yeah.” Lexi agrees. “But we should go on a date sometime.” 

Rue thinks it over. It’s true, they haven’t really gone on a date. Sure, they have spent hours and hours alone, but that was back when they were friends and even after the kiss it was always somewhere lame. They can’t spend forever in each other’s houses, no matter how comfortable couches are. 

(Seriously, Rue has probably spent the same amount of time on her couch as she has on her bed).

“Yeah. We should.” Rue replies. Fuck, she needs to think of something romantic to do with Lexi. Preferably something they can do before the break ends, because there’s no way she is going to wait until New Years Eve to go out with Lexi.

“What would you want to do?” Lexi asks. She sets her water down and scoots closer until her head is resting on Rue’s shoulder. “Drive up to Make Out Point and go all the way?”

Rue laughs (and it’s bright and joyful, and it sounds so new). “Only if you’ll wear my letterman jacket.”

“Only if you take me to prom.”

Rue pauses then. Prom. That hasn’t come yet. Plus, she’s not a freshman or sophomore anymore. She has a girlfriend. She can go. They can go do cheesy high school things like taking pictures under the curve of balloons at the entrance, buying each other corsages, and pigging out on fast food after the dance. It would be nice. It would be like a breath of fresh air in the middle of all of the weirdness that is their lives.

“Okay.” Rue says, her voice coming out softer than she meant it to. “I’ll take you to prom.”

“Okay.” Lexi agrees.

They both keep on staring out at the stars and the people jumping into the pool until their bottles are drained. One guy belly flops into the water pretty hard and screams about it for a solid, overdramatic minute, but mostly the rest of the night is just peaceful. Rue memorizes what some of the patterns of stars look like and also memorizes the smile on Lexi’s face by glancing at her every couple of minutes.

Eventually they get up because a drunk Cassie texts Lexi about needing to go home (the text looks like this: letz ggo hme), and they go back downstairs to join Cassie outside. Cassie looks drunk off her ass and Lexi is concerned, but it’s honestly hilarious. Rue takes a three minute video of Cassie singing an Adele song while Rue tries to guide Cassie into the backseat of the car.

It takes a while, but Cassie ends up sleeping in the back while Rue stands on the sidewalk and happily shows Lexi the video. 

“It’s funny.” She protests when Lexi rolls her eyes.

“Only a little.” Lexi replies, but that’s good enough for Rue. She dips down and presses her lips to the side of Lexi’s cheek, pecking her quickly.

Lexi does the same back and Rue beams at her.

“See you tomorrow, Lex.” She says. Lexi nods and they hug for much longer than necessary before Lexi goes to the other side of the car. She waves before she opens the door and gets in. Rue watches until the vehicle disappears, then goes to go find where she hid her bike.

Rue bikes home, feeling lighter than ever.


	9. Running: The World’s Oldest Form of Torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the last few chapters have been kind of eh, I’ve been really busy with school. The last chapter will be longer than this one tho

Rue feels like she got high last night.

She sucks in her first breath of air and is panicking by the time she exhales it, egged on by the sudden thought that she broke her sobriety. It makes sense that she panics. A party, biking home, overwhelming happiness, the feel of a drink in her hand (even if she only held it to pour it out). Plus, there’s also the general anxiety that surrounds Rue at all times.

So, she’s slamming her alarm to shut it off, wondering why it was even set over the break anyways, and trying to remember everything that happened last night.

Then she does, and relief floods through her like a stream of water down a mountain. She sits back on her pillows. Inhales. Exhales. Does that several more times until her heart rights itself and she can lean over to the nightstand to get her phone. 

It’s ringing and it’s Lexi, so Rue picks it up as quickly as possible.

“Hey.” Rue says, but it comes out a little sleepy and it’s clear Rue has just woken up.

“I’m gonna be there in five.” Lexi tells her. Rue rolls around on her bed, trying to find a comfortable position.

“Okay, but can I get a heads up if we’re going into my room because it’s fucking disgusting. I swear I saw a rat yesterday and like-“

“You have NA.”

Rue pauses, checks the time and date on her phone, and swears quietly. “...Right.” 

She can sense Lexi’s eye roll through the phone. Rue feels a little guilty. She doesn’t want Lexi to have to be that girlfriend, the one who slips into the mom role and is basically more of a maid than a lover. 

(Also, ew, did she seriously just call Lexi her lover? She feels like she’s in some cheesy TV show Gia would be obsessed with.) 

Anyways, that would suck. She doesn’t want to bring Lexi down in any way. In fact, she wants to raise Lexi up. What are Lexi’s problems? Yeah, Rue is a drug addict who usually has to take a variety of meds to keep herself from hurting herself or worse, but that doesn’t have to overshadow everything. The main theme in the relationship doesn’t have to be How To Save Rue Bennett, even if Lexi has been both intentionally and unintentionally coaching Rue through sobriety. 

Is their relationship bad? Is this a bad thing? ‘Cause Rue really doesn’t want it to end and this is a big source of her happiness and they haven’t even talked about any of these emotions. Maybe Rue is too horny. Maybe there’s a limit. Like, sometimes Lexi talks and Rue just nods but she’s really thinking about boobs - and, like, maybe she should tell Lexi that.

Wait. No. That seems like a bad idea.

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe there’s no good ideas or bad ideas, maybe there’s just-

“...Rue you haven’t responded for three minutes.” Lexi says, reminding Rue that they’re still calling each other. Rue zones out, there’s another problem. “I’m going to be there in two minutes, okay? Get dressed and eat something.”

Right, yeah. Food. Clothes. Stuff people need to function as normal human beings.

“Okay. I will.” Rue replies, and then Lexi hangs up. 

She swings her legs out of bed and checks what she’s wearing. Boxers probably aren’t appropriate attire for the meeting, but the sweatshirt can stay. Rue changes into some very loose sweatpants and chucks the boxers elsewhere (her floor, probably) and then goes out into the kitchen to find something to eat. She probably doesn’t have time to get cereal and eat it, so she settles with an apple and a bottle of water. 

While Rue is getting water from out of the cupboard, she hears footsteps. She checks, and it’s Gia.

“Why are you up?” Rue asks. She’s tired herself, there’s no need for anyone else to subject themselves to such early morning torture.

“Rue, it’s noon.”

“That’s entirely too early.” 

Gia rolls her eyes and gets cereal that she actually has time to eat (lucky), then plops down in one of the chairs near the counter. “Is Lexi going to become like Jules?” 

Rue was on her way out, but she pauses at this.

“What do you mean?”

“Jules.” Gia repeats, like it's obvious. “She started coming over a lot, you were always all smiley and hanging out in your underwear - gross, by the way - and then she was gone. It was kind of shitty. She was good with makeup.”

“What, when Jules and I our hanging out in our underwear it’s gross but with Lexi it’s fine?” Rue totally and completely avoids the subject. She doesn’t want to talk about this. She hates that her fears about the situation are also clear to other people, even her little sister.

“Dude, we have a picture of you and Lexi bathing together up in the living room. I think we’ve all adjusted.”

That is true. Rue really needs to get her mom to take the picture down. She thinks that at this point, as long as Rue has passing grades in school and is staying sober, her mom would be fine with anything. Rue has done the worst, so sex probably doesn’t seem that extreme. She still doesn’t want her family seeing it or talking about it, though.

Anyways, Lexi hasn’t texted that she’s here yet and Gia is staring at her expectantly - all frowny faced with curious eyes, waiting for Rue to comment on the actual topic at hand.

Rue goes for the simple explanation. “Jules left. She’s with her dad, you know that.” 

“Yeah, but she left left. You don’t cry in your room about her anymore.”

“I never cried.”

Gia ignores her. “It would just suck worse if that happened with Lexi. It’s almost like her family is our family now. I don’t want to lose that.” 

Someone (Lexi, Rue assumes) drives near the house and she sucks in a breath, allows her bones to sag with the exhale. 

“Yeah, I know. It would suck.”

Rue would stick around and sulk some more, but she hears the very quiet sound of a car rolling up outside the house again and takes that as her cue to go. She still lingers in that one spot for a solid second, as if she’s waiting for someone to give her a pep talk to walk out the door. It’s stupid.

No, it’s really stupid. Everything is perfectly fine. (Well, everything is perfectly fine, minus the lingering drug addiction, the OCD, the anxiety and the- okay, so things are fine in Rue terms). Why can’t she just act like a normal person and wake up without a weight on her chest, then leave the house without the need to be hyped up first. It would certainly make everything a hell of a lot easier. 

“I think your girlfriend is here.” Gia says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Rue snorts. Her sister’s antics make her relax a little. “Yeah, yeah. I’m going to go.”

“Okay.” Gia replies. “Have fun.”

Rue almost responds with ‘how could I possibly have fun, it’s NA’ but she doesn’t want to upset Gia. Lord knows she has done that enough over the years. 

So, she shuts up and nods, then goes outside to greet Lexi.

Call her cheesy or whipped or lame if you want, but seeing Lexi is what really drags the stress out of Rue’s body. She relaxes almost immediately, like the sight of her pressed a button inside of Rue and now she’s feeling the unwanted (and completely unnecessary) fear unravel. She smiles, despite her usual straight face and stoic attitude. Sometimes she just can’t help it. Not when it comes to Lexi.

Oh fuck, she’s turning into one of those cheesy characters from a Disney movie. Someone should slap her before she starts singing along with the oddly chipper birds and trying to wake Lexi from an endless sleep with true love’s kiss.

“Hey.” Rue says as she slips into the passenger seat, still sort of thinking about busting out the Aladdin soundtrack in the car. “How are you?”

“Good.” Lexi responds - and fuck, she looks so pretty. “What about you?”

Rue yawns and stretches as Lexi starts driving again, letting her hands and arms rise high up above her head. “I’m tired.”

“It’s noon, Rue. Noon.”

“So? I still want to nap.”

Lexi rolls her eyes, but it’s good-natured and Rue is pretty sure that she sees Lexi’s faint smile out of the corner of her eye. It is a big win. At least, it feels like that. Making Lexi smile with her stupidity is always up there on her list of achievements.

They drive down the street in comfortable silence, both of them stealing glances at each other the whole time (though, Lexi should probably be looking at the road, unless she wants to end up being as bad a driver as Rue). Despite Lexi’s comments, she also yawns a couple minutes later. Rue twists in her seat and watches her do it. Lexi yawns the way Rue would imagine a little kitten would, all scrunched up nose and cute noises coming out of her mouth. 

She stares at Lexi for a while. Okay, so maybe she stares for a bit longer than a while, but at least she doesn’t reach Edward Cullen levels of creepy. Lexi just looks cute, that is all. Her cheeks are flushed, eyes soft from the comfort in the car, and her hair is pulled up into a messy bun that weirdly reminds Rue of her favorite English teacher. Whatever. She likes it. 

It is also kind of weird. If Rue were to lean over and cup Lexi’s face just to kiss her senseless, Lexi would let her - probably more than let her, actually. 

Well, maybe no kissing for right now. Lexi is driving, after all.

At a red light, Lexi glances over at Rue and sees her blatantly staring. “What is it?”

“You’re just cute.” Rue says, a little quieter than needed. It comes out all soft and gooey despite her best efforts, so she finally looks away. “That’s all.”

“You’re just cute, too.” Lexi replies, in the exact same manner that Rue did.

Rue ducks her head and then leans it against the window. She is glad that it’s so hard to see her blush, or else her face would be lit up like a Christmas tree right now.

NA is a little odd, as always.

Rue does not like to talk to people, mostly because almost everyone in the group is at least ten years older than her and they are all strangers. It is also a bit sad that the only thing that bonds them is their addiction, but that doesn’t mean that Rue hates the experience.

She likes knowing that she is not alone and (selfishly) that she is also not doing the worst out of everyone. It is kind of nice to sit and listen to people talk. The stories about everyone else distract Rue for a solid hour, enough that she is able to sit still and not allow her mind to wander. A lot of the things people say are sad or hopeful, but some are just entertaining. Rue knows she shouldn’t think that or say this, but drugs are kind of fun. If they were boring, no one would get addicted to them.

The only thing that Rue actually dislikes is having to speak. Technically, she is allowed to stay there and not say a word, but it’s obviously expected that every once in awhile she does.

So, she will occasionally tell how things are going. Or a memory of something she did before she was sober. Usually she doesn’t dive too much into the terrible things (everyone has already heard about Gia having to find her choking on her own vomit, and just the thought of that makes her squirm) but she’ll mention that time she tried to jump off the roof into Nate’s pool while fully clothed in her sweatshirt and khakis. 

She makes a joke about how those khakis probably needed to be destroyed anyways, but the truth is that Rue doesn’t remember much about that night besides the cheer of the crowd as she stumbled along the roof. Honestly, she isn’t sure how she got home. All she knows is that she woke up in her bed completely dry, except for the beer stain on her sweatshirt.

Maybe no memories from when she was high are truly good memories.

Which kind of sucks, because Rue sometimes likes to picture them through rose-tinted glasses. If she thinks about it long enough, all of those parties were fine. It’s the cocaine in the bathroom that was the bad part. 

Anyways, Rue leaves the meeting feeling a bit different than before. Not heavier or lighter, but more thoughtful. 

She would usually stick around to talk to one of the few people who she considers more than half-strangers (not friends, but acquaintances), but Lexi is waiting for her. Rue silently wonders if Lexi sat in the parking lot the whole time and hopes that she didn’t, but she reasons that Lexi probably went somewhere else while Rue was in there. 

Thankfully, Lexi has some groceries in the back of the car when Rue gets in. She also has a pencil and a notebook in her hand that has a long list written on it. 

“Hey.” Rue greets and leans over to kiss Lexi’s cheek before she settles back in the passenger seat. 

Lexi greets her with a grin. “How was it?”

Rue thinks for a moment. Good? Not good? The normal human response is good.

“Good.” Rue decides after a brief pause, tucking her hands into her pockets. She looks over at the notebook. “What’s that?”

“Oh, they’re date ideas.” Lexi hands it over so Rue can see the paper properly.

Sure enough, Lexi has listed a bunch of date ideas. Fifty of them, to be specific. Maybe she did stay out here longer than Rue thought.

Rue looks them over while Lexi watches. Most of them are pretty standard. Dinner and a movie. Bowling. Mini golfing, even though Rue has no idea what the rules of golf are. Some of them seem pretty out there (the one with the monkey would probably take weeks), so Rue looks over them all until she can decide on one that isn’t too basic but also doesn’t involve a long trip to the zoo.

She finally places her finger on the paper, right next to number twenty-seven. “We should have a picnic. It would be fun.”

Rue is embarrassed to admit it, but her mind immediately jumps to the thought of setting up a picnic up a mountain or something. Somewhere with a view. Rue isn’t sure where, but she’s already thinking about candles and Lexi’s favorite foods before she collects herself. Lexi hasn’t even agreed on the picnic yet. Rue needs to keep it together. 

“Yeah, it would be.” Lexi agrees. “We should do it sometime before New Years.”

The rest of the day is relatively uneventful. Lexi takes Rue home after they talk (and make out) in the car a little bit, since Lexi said that she agreed to go to the mall with Cassie to shop for shoes. That sounds uninteresting to Rue - though, she does consider it for a moment, wanting to spend time with Lexi enough that she would take a trip out for some heels. She still ends up at home with Gia by two in the afternoon and finds that she doesn’t have much to do.

Which is why Rue makes the dumbest decision of her life. Worse than that time she thought it would be fun to take a body shot off a random football player who was notorious for not washing the ‘luck’ (after-game sweat) off of himself. Possibly worse than everything she has done in the last few months.

Rue decides to go for a run.

No, this is not a joke. She steals her mom’s jogging pants and puts on the tightest shirt she has (which isn’t very tight at all), tells Gia what she is doing, and then steps outside. 

She’s seen Lexi do it a bunch of times. It all seems pretty cool, watching Lexi run past her house in her leggings. Lexi makes it look graceful and fun, plus she always talks about how good it is for you. 

Apparently her girlfriend is a liar. Rue feels as if she is going to die, and she’s sure of it because she has come close to death a surprising amount of times. Her whole body is covered in sweat, her skin is bright red, and her lungs feel about ready to burst into flames. Even breathing hurts. It makes her throat ache and the temperature of her body feels odd when compared to the cool air flowing into it.

Rue runs for an eternity (a solid ten minutes) before she decides that this was a terrible idea. The only problem is that she is now relatively far away from her house and she didn’t bring her bike, so she actually has to walk back. She decides that sounds fucking terrible, which leads Rue to sit out on the sidewalk and wait for her heartbeat to slow before she starts moving again.

She is in the middle of thinking about how gross it is to be this sweaty when she realizes that she is somewhere familiar. There is an alleyway right in front of her that leads to a tiny grocery store that mostly doesn’t sell groceries. Rue knows she shouldn’t walk towards it, because the only time Rue ever bought something from the actual store was when she wanted water to swallow a particularly large pill with.

It’s a dumb idea. 

Rue is going to turn around and run in the other direction, but that’s when she sees Fez - and she figures she can just say hello to a friend.


	10. Pancake Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem.

Rue has pissed a lot of people off in her short years of living, but she’s honestly never seen anyone look more disappointed to see her than Fez right now.

He’s slumped over in a pullout chair, the type that looks as if it might have been stolen right from the community pool, sorting through a small fortune of Ring Pops when he lifts his head and sees her. Fez never really smiles (not with his teeth, anyways), but Rue has never seen him truly frown, either. Still, his lips downturn just enough to let her know that he isn’t happy to see her in this position.

Sometimes, Rue wonders if everyone will always look at her with the assumption that she’s on or about to buy drugs. She supposes that’s just part of living as an addict.

“Hey, Fez.” Rue bounces on her toes nervously for all of two seconds, before she realizes how jump that makes her appear and returns her heels to the ground. “What’s up?”

He blinks at her, still completely silent. Rue guesses this was probably why they didn’t have much small talk while sober.

“Not much.” Fez replies eventually, still eyeing her carefully.

“I’m uh, not here to buy anything.” Rue clarifies. She feels as if she should, with how he’s staring at her.

It feels sort of odd to be here again. Rue has been conscious of avoiding her old spots, partially because people in NA (people who have been sober for longer than her, people who have really figured it out while Rue is left stumbling) have told her that it’s best not to revisit bad memories, but also because she’s not sure her willpower is strong enough to withstand her being here.

She can at least try.

Fez was her friend before all of this. He was probably the only real friend that Rue had, outside of Lexi - but she figures it wouldn’t work out particularly well to have her girlfriend also be her best friend. She needs a life outside of Lexi, that seems healthy.

“Okay.” Fez’s head tilts from left to right, tipped by the weight of his thoughts for a moment, before it seems as if he’s come to a decision. “Do you want to sit?”

Rue nods, grateful that this interaction hasn’t been as weird as she thought it might turn out to be, and folds her legs under herself on the floor beside Fez.

They sit in silence for a moment, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s probably for the best honestly, considering neither one of them are great at speaking and Rue is still recovering from the horrific amounts of exercise she put herself through.

Being healthy sucks.

Though, in some ways, it’s actually sort of pleasant. The air in her lungs seems to fit there better without the chemicals and smoke joining them.

God, Lexi is going to turn her into a health nut someday.

“Do you know any ways to make a picnic romantic?” Rue asks Fez after a bit. The question only earns her a concerned, certainly surprised look, so she rushes to continue. “It’s for Lexi. I want to take her on a proper date, you know.”

Fez looks thoroughly weirded out, but also a bit amused. “Proper? Like with a suit and tie and shit?”

“Not necessarily. Just… something nice.” Rue shrugs, fixing her eyes on her feet as heat builds steadily up her neck and crawls across her cheeks.

She’s become such a sap, it’s disgusting. (She kind of loves it).

“Yeah.” Fez responds, much to Rue’s surprise. “I’ve got a few ideas.”

  
  


That’s how Rue ends up leading Lexi towards a hill - one that isn’t too steep, because Rue is so done with exercise for the day - around dinner time. A black tie is circling her neck tightly enough to feel like a noose, but Rue can’t find it in her heart to complain. Anytime the fabric digs roughly into her neck, Lexi soothes all pain by lacing their fingers together.

“Where are we going?” Lexi questions, for about the fifth time. Rue just shakes her head, brushing off her girlfriend’s suspicions. “How’d you find a hill?”

“I found it on a run.” Rue shrugs, having to bite her tongue a second later when Lexi’s mouth slips open in shock.

“You don’t run.” She protests.

Lexi is so surprised (and okay, Rue is getting a little offended - she could be athletic if she wanted to) that she forgets to keep walking and slows the both of them to a stop. Rue pauses, rolls her eyes at Lexi’s inquisitive expression. Maybe Lexi will really end up being a detective, she certainly has the look down.

As cute as that look is, Rue can’t deal with it right now. She has ice cream waiting for them at the top of the hill and, though it’s pretty cold out, she doubts the weather will be enough to stop it all from melting.

Rue glances up at the hill and back at her girlfriend before making a split decision. She hooks her arm under Lexi’s knees and lifts her up in one big swoop, laughing at the little gasp that leaves Lexi’s mouth from the unexpected action. They go up the hill exactly like that, with both of them laughing as Rue carries Lexi’s tiny body up to the very top.

So what if Rue almost dies on the way and complains about having a heart attack? She’s been close to death before and this is definitely the best instance of that so far.

Eventually, Rue sets Lexi down at the grassy spot Fez recommended.

She had time during the day, so the checkered blanket is already out there, along with all of the food. Rue has their meal carefully (okay - so it may have taken some hazardous shoving to fit everything in, but as long as no one nudges the basket an inch then the food is safe and sound) set inside the basket.

All they have to do is eat it, which Rue has been looking forward to since she started planning the meal.

“You cooked and exercised on the same day?” Lexi raises her eyebrows, the little smile playing on her lips so adorable that Rue can’t find it in herself to be offended.

“I’m a perfectly competent adult.” She replies, ignoring the eye roll that comes from Lexi no more than half a second later.

Rue sits on the blanket and gently tugs Lexi down along with her, unashamedly pulling Lexi towards her in a silent request for some cuddling. Lexi accepts without saying anything, scooting back far enough that she lies between Rue’s spread legs and is encompassed by her body heat.

“What’d you make?” Lexi asks, already making grabby hands at the basket. Rue bats her hands away and snatches up the food.

“You’re going to ruin the surprise.” Rue grumbles, pinching Lexi’s side just hard enough that she squirms and giggles. “Guess.”

Lexi’s eyebrows scrunch together adorably. “I don’t know. Is it a puppy?”

“Very funny, detective.”

“I’ve got to win you over somehow, Bennett.” Lexi replies. The second time she tries to grab the basket, Rue lets her. She gets the feeling she’ll never truly be able to deny Lexi anything.

Rue leans back on her palms as Lexi opens the basket and begins unwrapping things. She gnaws at her bottom lip anxiously, a small bout of nerves crawling through her stomach while Lexi works on getting the plastic wrap off of the pancakes.

They’re cut into different shapes - most of them are hearts and others are more heart-adjacent, but Rue tried her best.

“They’re cold.” Lexi says finally, her face lacking emotion.

Rue has to wait a solid five seconds before Lexi’s straight face collapses and shifts into a grin.

“I’m kidding.” Lexi’s shoulders shake with her laughter. “This is very romantic.”

“You suck.” Rue responds goodnaturedly, reaching around Lexi to grab a pancake heart. If she slaps it across Lexi’s face on the way back, then it’s definitely an accident.

Lexi huffs and takes a pancake of her own, swiping it at Rue’s faces. Rue laughs as she dodges it, dramatically complaining about assault, when in reality she’s never been more happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Come rant to me about Euphoria on Tumblr if u want
> 
> https://thatoneurchin.tumblr.com/


End file.
